All that Is Bitter and Sweet Must read book from Ashley Judd and my reactions to it

Just had a great 9 day vaca with a good friend in NJ! It was relaxing and I told myself before I went I would do whatever it takes to not think about reality during those 9 days. I did pretty good at this but at times it would sneak in there and I would bring myself back to the moment I was in. Staying in the moment. Damn, is that hard to do or what sometimes? While on this trip I read ALL THAT IS BITTER AND SWEET by ASHLEY JUDD. This is a MUST read. First book that wasn't a school book that I have read in years and I could NOT stop reading! I can't even beginning to tell you how much I personally connected to this story. There were a lot of similarities in her own story and mine as children. They way that I grew up. Passed on from family member to family member, never knowing where I would be living tomorrow. My mother an emotional and mental wreck and my father an abusive drug addict that to this day I still call him the most evil man I have ever met. I loved my mother. I was angry at her for not protecting me and me having to protect her when I could. It took me until my late 20's early 30's to come to peace with her. One thing I never doubted at anytime in my life was that she loved me and she showed me that as much as she could. Just not in the traditional tuck me in bed, read me a story, come to my ballgames, bake me cookies sense. She did love. My father on the other hand used me as a weapon to always get my mom back with him when she would finally try to get away from him. He was abusive in every sense of the word! Most everyone knew about the physical abuse that my mom and us kid lived thru with him but no one knew the horrors I went thru with him until I was adult. One day my mom flat out asked me if he ever sexually abused me. She said her head was finally getting clear after years of his passing and her getting healthier and she was starting to put things together that she couldn't see then cause she was in her own hell. I hesitated for a minute and than just told her everything. The years I could remember, the way it still controlled me, the night terrors, the PTSD. I also told her about my brother sexually abusing me for years too. I think it was almost too much for her to handle. She said it was good that she didn't know back then because she would of killed him for sure! I struggle in my relationship with my brother today because of our history but the tools I have acquired with 12 step meetings have helped me in those moments. I still have a lot of my past to face to move forward but at least Im working on it. Anyway, I understood in Ashley Judd's book how she felt about not knowing where she fit in, wanting someone to want to raise her in a normal home. Feeling like no one heard her. I felt those things. I also understood about her holding a gun and thinking about ending it because I did the exact same thing. In fact, in 96 I did try to kill myself. I took over 300 pills if it weren't for the guilt I felt about leaving my 3rd grade son waiting for someone to pick him up from school, I would not be here today. I called someone to pick him up after I took the pills and while we were on the phone she noticed something wasn't right. I flat lined twice and spent 11 days in a state mental hospital under suicide watch but I was home by Christmas with my son. He didn't learn of what really didn't know this story until he was much older. I was lucky with my son. He was very forgiving of my mistakes. The years of drug abuse and other issues. He once told me whatever messed up choices you were making mom, you loved and cared for me everyday. I never doubted your love for me. He was right. Even in the worst of my addiction I did my best to put him first. Not that I didn't make big mistakes with him. He was in my disease with me that is why the last drug treatment center I went to when he was 9 was for women and their children. he was sick with me and than he got healthy with me. I took him to meetings with me and he learned about the disease of addiction and boy could he call me on my bull shit after. So, where am I going with this story. Im starting a new chapter in life. Although, Im almost finished with my Communications degree just 9 more classes to go. I have to take a break from school. All my life I have taken care of SOMEONE. Cody, my brother, my niece, her children, friends, always someone. Now that my mom has passed and Cody is moving out...the same question keeps running thru my head... Now what? First thing first, deal with my co-dependency issues!!! Therapy is something I have been putting off going back to for a long time now because I haven't been ready to deal with my truth. But now it is time. This book of Ashley Judds as also inspired me. I have volunteered at a community center in the intercity for kids and I have done volunteer work for a women's abuse shelter but I want to do more of this. All those beliefs that were in her book are right on the money with mine. Women empowerment, education, a chance for everyone to make their lives better. Giving back what has been giving to me. I know this blog is a bit rambling but my head is moving a mile a minute. It's hard to make the right decisions right now because I don't know just yet what they are. I just know it is time to figure that out. So, Ashley Judd has moved to the TOP of my what 5 people would you like to have dinner with! She is not only an amazing actress that seems to pick great scripts for herself but she is the type of person I aspire to be. A woman that believes one person can make a slight change in another's life. I thank her for writing that book and sharing her story! Because it help wake me up and realize that my life is not over because I have no one to 'take care of' anymore. My life is just beginning for me and I have so much to give! This is just a brief part of my story. A lot of things I wrote in this blog about my childhood very few people even know about. But I refuse to feel ashamed for what others did to me. I refuse to be a victim of theirs all my life! Although my fight may never be over because it is progress not perfection. All part of a process that will never end for me. But if you aren't learning you are not living! I choose to live today.