A Good Day

Today has been a good day! Cody, my son, came over and hooked up my dryer and leveled my washer and also took me out to lunch. We had a very mature conversation about many topics. I couldn't ask for a better son!
This evening I spent with some great people too. Some of the conversation was serious but for the most part it was just hanging out, laughing, listening, enjoying other people. That does feel better than isolating I have to say.
I went to a speaker meeting today and heard some great things. Things I could totally relate to. Things that made me grateful for where I was sitting and even grateful for what brought me there.
I have been practicing many new things in  my life. Some are very uncomfortable. I will say the meeting made me a lil anxious because it was a bigger meeting and I only knew one person there. I don't do well in groups but better in one on one conversation. Large groups = a lot of different energy. My senses kick into overdrive. Trying to read people and listen to people can be overwhelming to me in large groups. I think this is why I have such a hard time shopping.
Im feeling a bit drained. I think tomorrow will be a do some laundry and work on step work and relax kinda day. My pain is high tonight and it has been all day. Making me sick to my stomach. This is usually a sign that I am staying to busy and need to slow it down a bit. If I don't notice these signs my body is telling me I can really get sick. The heat was a bit much today too.
I can't even tell you how cool it is to make new friends. To spend time with people that I connect with on many levels. People I don't have to be fake with. Not that I dont have a few friends like this already. This is just different.
I can honestly say I felt happiness and peace for most of my day. It has been awhile since I have said that or felt that. I am grateful today and humble. This was a good way to spend my 21st day clean and sober.

Follow the Light

You never know what life is going to bring your way. Lately I have been struggling on how to express myself. Now don't get me wrong here...when it comes to expressing myself when Im pissed off that is one area I do not struggle in. But when it comes to expressing things more positive its like speaking a foreign language!
Recently someone came into my life. Have you ever met someone and known almost instantly that this is going to be someone that will be in my life for years to come? I met someone like this. She has this light about her that attracts you like a moth to a flame. Not that her light is bad. It is something almost unexplainable. I struggle with being real with people most of the time. With the exception of my cousins who are like my sisters I can count on one hand how many friends I have like this. Friends that I can be completely 100% me with and feel no judgements from. They take the good and the bad and they love me unconditionally. I didn't use to believe that was possible. I thought except for a parent with their children unconditional love was impossible. I'm lucky enough to say that I am blessed with a few friends that know how to love unconditionally and I can return that right back to them.
Ok so back to this lady I met...When I spend time with her I have no hesitation about being real with her.  I'm able to share with her honestly and openly without thinking twice. An outsider might say I don't get it. Although, her and I have walked down some of the same paths what is this connection? She is almost as young as my son. She is a newly wed. She is in a different spot in her life. All I see is this woman that I can learn so much from and that can make me laugh when nothing else can. I get this calming feeling when I'm around her. Her spirituality is freaking amazing! Sometimes I watch her and think wow she got this deal so damn young and Im envious of that but in the same thought, Im thanking whatever it is that brought her into my life in a dark time.
She's wise beyond her years, full of life, full of joy, humbled, excited by life and grateful for what she has and who she is. Who wouldn't want a friend like that? I look forward everyday to what I'm going to learn from her. I am humbled and honored to spend even a few minutes with her.
Maybe this all sounds a bit corny I don't know. If it does alright this is a softer side in me. I can't tell you how many times a day I have felt such gratitude for her. I truly believe in my heart that this will be a friend I have for a lifetime not just a leader and teacher to me. I look forward to getting to know her better! Thank you for opening up your heart, giving me your time, sharing your story, and just being there to listen. You know who you are...'boo' ::::laughing:::

It's been a Bitter/Sweet Week and I'm waiting for the miracle to happen!

"We are our own worst enemy!" This a very true statement for me. I can't say that I have had the best of weeks. It's been a bitter/sweet week. Life doesn't always go as we planned and people don't always act like IIIIIIII think they should. See, I can totally admit Im narcissistic! Over the years I have learned to become a giving person. Giving of my time, money, space, home, food, car, gas. If I have a bra on I would give the shirt off my back to someone that needed it. But somewhere along the way I went from being completely self-involved to having no boundaries and enabling people! I know shocker right. Me, an enabler. It's true. At the same time I am telling myself I don't expect anything in return except respect and be the same kind of person to me that I have been to you or pay it forward. Is that selfish of me to ask? Those don't seem like   unreasonable expectations of loved ones and friends or even strangers. Setting boundaries is not easy for me. The line becomes blurred somewhere along the path! I always thought I had no problem with saying no and setting boundaries but it is VERY apparent today that I do. My excuses that I use to defend my giving to extremes are weak. All I can do at this point is work on setting and keeping those boundaries and pay attention to the one sided relationships. They are not healthy for anyone!
Im moving saturday. I have lived in this same apartment complex for ten years. Hard to believe I have lived in one state ten years! Geographical changes was always a favorite for me. I always said when Cody (my son) graduates from high school, I will go anywhere I want. He is 23 now and I am still here. Mostly because I couldn't bare to live too far from him! I'm excited for this new beginning in my new apartment and scared to death that this is the first time in my entire life that I will be living alone! Yep, 42 years old and never lived alone. I have a habit of always letting someone move in with me. I say... people did it for me. This time I have to live alone! People can come visit but they better have an exit trip  to get thru the door! Pj's halfway house is closed!
There are a ton of changes happening at once in my life right now. People are actually reminding me to BREATH. Seems silly that I have to be told to do something that is suppose to be natural for us. Obviously, I am in a time in my life that direction from others is needed. If I could fit in my sponsors or therapist pocket I would jump in there no problem that is how ....afraid I am of my own choices and decisions and how extremely whacked my thinking is!
Speaking of my sponsor. There is something I haven't said in years. Yes, I actually have one and yes, Im actually doing ALL of her suggestions without hesitation! I'm sure if you asked all my previous sponsors they would unanimously agree that never happened before. Usually I would go to meetings for awhile before asking someone to be my sponsor. When I met this lady, I knew without a doubt that she had what I wanted within the first five minutes of talking with her! I'm extremely grateful that when I asked her if she had time to sponsor me, she said yes. This is the sweet part of my week. Finding this new group and her!
The most bitter part of my week though is missing my mom. It will be six months on sunday and with all these changes I am missing her support. I always said I took care of her for the last five years and I did but there are a lot of ways that she took care of me too. I miss talking to her. Having coffee. Coming home from school and sharing with her everything I was learning. Working on film projects together. Her love and encouragement and excitement that she shared with me. Telling her about all my fucked up relationships and her laughing at me most of the time over it. If she were here thru this 'trying' time I don't think it would be as hard. She would keep my head straight and call me on my bullshit without blinking an eye. I just miss her! That emptiness I feel even though I am remembering all the good times. Looking at pictures of her. Thinking of how she would be dealing with my sucky attitude these last few days. All that makes me smile. She wouldn't want me to be sad. So, I'm going to try my best to think of all the things about her that I loved and the journey that we went on together.
It's 12 days clean and sober. I'm waiting for the miracle they keep telling me will come. I'm choosing not to abuse any drugs or alcohol and I can honestly say that I'm doing it THEIR way and not MY way today. That's pretty damn big. Now... gotta get thru this move saturday and figure out the rest one thing at a time. Because that is all I can do today and I'm told that is enough for today.

A step in the right Direction.

Letting go of our limitations

Page 236

"We don't have to settle for the limitations of the past. We can examine and reexamine our old ideas."

Basic Text, p. 11

Most of us come to the program with a multitude of self-imposed limitations that prevent us from realizing our full potential, limitations that impede our attempts to find the values that lie at the core of our being. We place limitations on our ability to be true to ourselves, limitations on our ability to function at work, limitations on the risks we're willing to take-the list seems endless. If our parents or teachers told us we would never succeed, and we believed them, chances are we didn't achieve much. If our socialization taught us not to stand up for ourselves, we didn't, even if everything inside us was screaming to do so. In Narcotics Anonymous, we are given a process by which we can recognize these false limitations for what they are. Through our Fourth Step, we'll discover that we don't want to keep all the rules we've been taught. We don't have to be the life-long victims of past experiences. We are free to discard the ideas that inhibit our growth. We are capable of stretching our boundaries to encompass new ideas and new experiences. We are free to laugh, to cry, and, above all, to enjoy our recovery.

Just for Today: I will let go of my self-imposed limitations and open my mind to new ideas. So today I actually got my ass up out of this house and went to an NA meeting. I had never been to this group before. I was anxious all day about going. Today I have 8 days no drugs, no alcohol! I have pretty much just been staying in my apartment packing up for my move this coming saturday and avoiding anything outside of here. Again, I was trying to do this alone and my way. Well, hell my way doesn't work once again I learn. Since I left Texas and my last treatment center I have had a few slips on drugs. Than I went hell idk 3 years I think with not doing any drugs or drinking. Than I had a small slip and than I decided I am a social drinker. Alcohol has never been my drug of choice. I can always take it or leave it. Same with weed but once in awhile I did smoke weed. Not to get high but for the pain and insomnia that I struggle with on the daily basis. It doesn't matter.. a drug is a drug is a drug and if I truly want to be a happy, stable, healthy person than I must work this program as it is suppose to be worked. And I can't do that if I abuse or use or drink. Hell my addictions range on from drugs, sex, relationships, family drama, food, cigs, coffee, the list keeps going. These are all SYMPTOMS of what is really the issue and that is my way of thinking. Even though I have had these slips or relapses or whatever you want to label it, I have used the principles of a 12 step as a guide in my life but being honest not to its full potential as I have admitted above. I might be back at step 1 but just getting my ass to that meeting, admitting that I only had 8 days clean and sober, getting a just for today chip, and a list of numbers of women with time clean is HUGE. The therapy I have been doing has been HUGE too. Some of the toughest sessions I have ever done. Speaking out loud about the past in details is freaking hard and I live in fear. I have disassociated and disconnected myself from it for 42 years. I want to be healthy! I want to be happy! I want to have a relationships with people without feeling fake. I want what those who have worked this program in their lives everyday and LIVE IT everyday have. I deserve it. My son deserves to have a mom who is truly happy with life and has a purpose. I think I have used him as my purpose for so long I struggle with letting that go. Not saying that he will not always be my purpose just saying he can't be ALL my purpose. He has been so great. A pain in the ass sometimes but since my mom passed away in Feb, Cody has stepped up and looked after me the best he has been able to. It's hard for him to watch his mom in pain. I love him and how I got so lucky to have such a wonderful son like him is beyond me. He has turned out to be a terrific man. Ok so this is a beginning.  Alright my texan home  group... 'two shots' is back in the game. Love to all who have supported and guided me in the direction I ended up today. Even those on twitter and you know who you are. Inspirations in my life! you might be strangers but not to me you are women of courage and love. Thank you.

Realizing Who Are The Right People To Have Around You

I had the opportunity to spend some time with a few people I don't see often. The first visit was a last minute plan. At first my cousin and I were excited to have a 'girls night' with one of my exs and someone I thought is a friend but have come to realize might not be someone I should surround myself with. Don't get me wrong. I will always consider this person someone that means something to me but after spending the evening with them I realize that it might not be so healthy for me to spend actually time with them. The conversations between this person and my cousin were fun and light hearted but the conversations between us were uncomfortable, harsh, some-what nasty at times. I don't think there was one comment from that evening that made me feel welcomed to be around. They did serve us an awesome dinner and it was a relaxing evening once I was in another room watching Big Brother and SYTYCD. It's a shame that we can't seem to be around each other without snide comments back and forth. I had to make a decision that there just comes no good from spending time with people that are toxic for you and bring you no joy. IF this person were to need a friend I would still be there to a point but from this moment on I have decided that not spending actual time together is the best solution for both parties.
The second friend is someone I don't get a chance to see very often but every time I do, I'm smiling and laughing the entire time. Granted this is not an ex so the dynamics are much different than the first person. haha. Makes a difference I believe. My friend came for an evening and a day. Last night we just hung out and talked with my cousin and her roomy. It was a calm evening and we all laughed at each others stories! Than today I went shopping with them and their daughter. Shopping is not my favorite thing to do but spending time with this person brighten my day and prove to me how a friend should really be treated. Respect, humor, communication, smiles, laughter, love, patience, encouragement. These are just a few words that popped in my head about how spending time with a friend should be. Not once did I feel any negativity or was there a comment that was said from either party that was harmful or hurtful. Complete acceptance of each other and our differences were embraced. Learning who the right people are to surround yourself with can be challenging at times. Lessons that are hard to learn. I am grateful I am able to tell the difference in how a friendship should be like instead of accepting what shit some 'friends' can be in your life. If I want to have a happy joyful life a big part of that is who I surround myself with!

Week 5 of Therapy

It seems each time I go into a session it gets harder. I am not one to be completely open with anyone about anything. I consider myself an honest person but being honest in therapy is hard because I can not seem to be completely honest with myself. This is not a new discovery by no means. I truly go into a session telling myself I will NOT shut down. I will NOT disassociate. I will NOT throw my walls up. Does this self talk work. Not yet! But I am trying. We talked about things I am doing that are not healthy for me and making more positive distractions instead of working on finding ways to numb myself from the feelings. My therapist Dawn, always wants me to NAME those feelings but I HATE to admit weakness. I logically know what I'm doing and how I'm feeling but saying it out loud is another story. I'm stuck. Stuck in the past and its hanging me up big time. It sucks letting stuff from my past control who I am today. I don't want to just survive in life. That is what I said this week. I want to LIVE life. I want to BE happy. I don't want to go thru life anymore faking what is really in my head and heart. Dawn says I have to 'revisit' the past and those feelings because they are HERE now! They can't be ignored any longer. Makes perfect sense but it still scares the hell out of me. My niece called me today. She has a couple of months clean and I asked her did you get a sponsor yet. She said what do you mean. I have a sponsor! I'm like who? She says you! I laughed. I said I think that you are suppose to have a sponsor that has more time than you and is actually working an honest healthy program. It's nice that she thinks that I can still lead her thru the program because I always have but I don't have it. But I will say Im very proud of her progress and her time clean and sober. It's been a long time coming. She has encouraged me to read the big book more and consider my own situation. But the blind leading the blind is never a good idea! Gotta love her though. I'm going to start seeing Dawn twice a week. I have been working on doing healthier distractions instead of numbing. It's a process. One thing is true. I am a survivor and I WILL get thru this. I can't let fear stand in my way. Not today!

Struggling

I am trying so hard today to see the positive things. Somedays we are our own worst enemies and today is definitely one of those days for me. I want so badly not to hurt over the loss of my mom, the loss of my son growing up and seeing less of him, the loss of school, and forgetting the past. It all seems so much at once to deal with. My friend told me no matter what bad choices I make to numb the pain it doesn't change a damn thing. That pain is still there and now I have added more guilt and shame to the pile. I have my cousin Missy who is a blessing in my life for sure. I can talk to her about anything with no judgements and lots of love and understanding and I thank her for that. I don't know what I would do without her right now. I just want to be happy again. I say again. I do believe there was a time I was happy and content with my life but that is missing. I wish someone could just hand me a map or a How to be happy for dummies. Something! Yes, I know. Go to meetings, find a sponsor, read the material, work the steps and find a higher power. I know the drill. I love the principles but I hate the program cause well I always have to do things MY WAY. The way that keeps me sick and unhappy. When will I learn????