Week 5 of Therapy

It seems each time I go into a session it gets harder. I am not one to be completely open with anyone about anything. I consider myself an honest person but being honest in therapy is hard because I can not seem to be completely honest with myself. This is not a new discovery by no means. I truly go into a session telling myself I will NOT shut down. I will NOT disassociate. I will NOT throw my walls up. Does this self talk work. Not yet! But I am trying. We talked about things I am doing that are not healthy for me and making more positive distractions instead of working on finding ways to numb myself from the feelings. My therapist Dawn, always wants me to NAME those feelings but I HATE to admit weakness. I logically know what I'm doing and how I'm feeling but saying it out loud is another story. I'm stuck. Stuck in the past and its hanging me up big time. It sucks letting stuff from my past control who I am today. I don't want to just survive in life. That is what I said this week. I want to LIVE life. I want to BE happy. I don't want to go thru life anymore faking what is really in my head and heart. Dawn says I have to 'revisit' the past and those feelings because they are HERE now! They can't be ignored any longer. Makes perfect sense but it still scares the hell out of me. My niece called me today. She has a couple of months clean and I asked her did you get a sponsor yet. She said what do you mean. I have a sponsor! I'm like who? She says you! I laughed. I said I think that you are suppose to have a sponsor that has more time than you and is actually working an honest healthy program. It's nice that she thinks that I can still lead her thru the program because I always have but I don't have it. But I will say Im very proud of her progress and her time clean and sober. It's been a long time coming. She has encouraged me to read the big book more and consider my own situation. But the blind leading the blind is never a good idea! Gotta love her though. I'm going to start seeing Dawn twice a week. I have been working on doing healthier distractions instead of numbing. It's a process. One thing is true. I am a survivor and I WILL get thru this. I can't let fear stand in my way. Not today!