Struggling

I am trying so hard today to see the positive things. Somedays we are our own worst enemies and today is definitely one of those days for me. I want so badly not to hurt over the loss of my mom, the loss of my son growing up and seeing less of him, the loss of school, and forgetting the past. It all seems so much at once to deal with. My friend told me no matter what bad choices I make to numb the pain it doesn't change a damn thing. That pain is still there and now I have added more guilt and shame to the pile. I have my cousin Missy who is a blessing in my life for sure. I can talk to her about anything with no judgements and lots of love and understanding and I thank her for that. I don't know what I would do without her right now. I just want to be happy again. I say again. I do believe there was a time I was happy and content with my life but that is missing. I wish someone could just hand me a map or a How to be happy for dummies. Something! Yes, I know. Go to meetings, find a sponsor, read the material, work the steps and find a higher power. I know the drill. I love the principles but I hate the program cause well I always have to do things MY WAY. The way that keeps me sick and unhappy. When will I learn????