week 3 and 4 of therapy

I haven't been able to keep up with blog because I have not had internet. I'm moving so everything is a lil out of sorts. Week 3 and 4 in therapy has been eye opening. I love how my therapist makes me looks at things in a different light. The theme of these sessions has been 'we are our own worse critiques'. Week 3 was tough. We dove more into my past as a kid and the things that I have been thru. I did tear up at one point but shut it down pretty damn quick. Week 4 we talked a lot about my detachment when it comes to feeling in uncomfortable situations. Also, about how things I learned as a child to survive I still use today. That the way I'm always reading people and my surrounds and my lack of trust in everything and everyone can be exhausting and that is probably why I choose to stay home more than go out. Makes sense. I can be in my apartment with the tv on and people talking and there will be some lil noise coming from two doors down that drives me insane!!! I'm over sensitive. Who knew. haha. I am trying my hardest to stay open. I trust my therapist 100%. We talked about how there are no judgments in therapy sessions but I questioned her on that. I know she is professional but as an individual how could she not judge me as a person. So, she asked me what were my thoughts about the kind of person she was.  And as I described what I knew of her and what I thought of her, I realized I was judging her. I apologized of course because that was not my intentions. I need to trust the process and know that her suggestions and thoughts come from a good place and I should feel free to answer any of her questions with complete honesty or what's the point of being there? After I leave a session has been a problem for me. Feeling safe in her office as we talk but than I leave and analyze everything and become really out of whack and don't know what to do with those feelings or thoughts. I'm trying the things she is suggestion. She said it will take a LONG time for it to feel natural and real. Asking an addict to be patient is not the easiest of task by no means. I promised myself and her that I would not put those walls up and try to walk thru these fires and realize that one day maybe not soon, one day though I WILL be able to let go, let my higher power, and accept my authentic self! Everyone has bad days but I want more good days than bad so I'm willing to stand on my head if that is what she suggest at this point.