A step in the right Direction.

Letting go of our limitations

Page 236

"We don't have to settle for the limitations of the past. We can examine and reexamine our old ideas."

Basic Text, p. 11

Most of us come to the program with a multitude of self-imposed limitations that prevent us from realizing our full potential, limitations that impede our attempts to find the values that lie at the core of our being. We place limitations on our ability to be true to ourselves, limitations on our ability to function at work, limitations on the risks we're willing to take-the list seems endless. If our parents or teachers told us we would never succeed, and we believed them, chances are we didn't achieve much. If our socialization taught us not to stand up for ourselves, we didn't, even if everything inside us was screaming to do so. In Narcotics Anonymous, we are given a process by which we can recognize these false limitations for what they are. Through our Fourth Step, we'll discover that we don't want to keep all the rules we've been taught. We don't have to be the life-long victims of past experiences. We are free to discard the ideas that inhibit our growth. We are capable of stretching our boundaries to encompass new ideas and new experiences. We are free to laugh, to cry, and, above all, to enjoy our recovery.

Just for Today: I will let go of my self-imposed limitations and open my mind to new ideas. So today I actually got my ass up out of this house and went to an NA meeting. I had never been to this group before. I was anxious all day about going. Today I have 8 days no drugs, no alcohol! I have pretty much just been staying in my apartment packing up for my move this coming saturday and avoiding anything outside of here. Again, I was trying to do this alone and my way. Well, hell my way doesn't work once again I learn. Since I left Texas and my last treatment center I have had a few slips on drugs. Than I went hell idk 3 years I think with not doing any drugs or drinking. Than I had a small slip and than I decided I am a social drinker. Alcohol has never been my drug of choice. I can always take it or leave it. Same with weed but once in awhile I did smoke weed. Not to get high but for the pain and insomnia that I struggle with on the daily basis. It doesn't matter.. a drug is a drug is a drug and if I truly want to be a happy, stable, healthy person than I must work this program as it is suppose to be worked. And I can't do that if I abuse or use or drink. Hell my addictions range on from drugs, sex, relationships, family drama, food, cigs, coffee, the list keeps going. These are all SYMPTOMS of what is really the issue and that is my way of thinking. Even though I have had these slips or relapses or whatever you want to label it, I have used the principles of a 12 step as a guide in my life but being honest not to its full potential as I have admitted above. I might be back at step 1 but just getting my ass to that meeting, admitting that I only had 8 days clean and sober, getting a just for today chip, and a list of numbers of women with time clean is HUGE. The therapy I have been doing has been HUGE too. Some of the toughest sessions I have ever done. Speaking out loud about the past in details is freaking hard and I live in fear. I have disassociated and disconnected myself from it for 42 years. I want to be healthy! I want to be happy! I want to have a relationships with people without feeling fake. I want what those who have worked this program in their lives everyday and LIVE IT everyday have. I deserve it. My son deserves to have a mom who is truly happy with life and has a purpose. I think I have used him as my purpose for so long I struggle with letting that go. Not saying that he will not always be my purpose just saying he can't be ALL my purpose. He has been so great. A pain in the ass sometimes but since my mom passed away in Feb, Cody has stepped up and looked after me the best he has been able to. It's hard for him to watch his mom in pain. I love him and how I got so lucky to have such a wonderful son like him is beyond me. He has turned out to be a terrific man. Ok so this is a beginning.  Alright my texan home  group... 'two shots' is back in the game. Love to all who have supported and guided me in the direction I ended up today. Even those on twitter and you know who you are. Inspirations in my life! you might be strangers but not to me you are women of courage and love. Thank you.