"We are our own worst enemy!" This a very true statement for me. I can't say that I have had the best of weeks. It's been a bitter/sweet week. Life doesn't always go as we planned and people don't always act like IIIIIIII think they should. See, I can totally admit Im narcissistic! Over the years I have learned to become a giving person. Giving of my time, money, space, home, food, car, gas. If I have a bra on I would give the shirt off my back to someone that needed it. But somewhere along the way I went from being completely self-involved to having no boundaries and enabling people! I know shocker right. Me, an enabler. It's true. At the same time I am telling myself I don't expect anything in return except respect and be the same kind of person to me that I have been to you or pay it forward. Is that selfish of me to ask? Those don't seem like unreasonable expectations of loved ones and friends or even strangers. Setting boundaries is not easy for me. The line becomes blurred somewhere along the path! I always thought I had no problem with saying no and setting boundaries but it is VERY apparent today that I do. My excuses that I use to defend my giving to extremes are weak. All I can do at this point is work on setting and keeping those boundaries and pay attention to the one sided relationships. They are not healthy for anyone!
Im moving saturday. I have lived in this same apartment complex for ten years. Hard to believe I have lived in one state ten years! Geographical changes was always a favorite for me. I always said when Cody (my son) graduates from high school, I will go anywhere I want. He is 23 now and I am still here. Mostly because I couldn't bare to live too far from him! I'm excited for this new beginning in my new apartment and scared to death that this is the first time in my entire life that I will be living alone! Yep, 42 years old and never lived alone. I have a habit of always letting someone move in with me. I say... people did it for me. This time I have to live alone! People can come visit but they better have an exit trip to get thru the door! Pj's halfway house is closed!
There are a ton of changes happening at once in my life right now. People are actually reminding me to BREATH. Seems silly that I have to be told to do something that is suppose to be natural for us. Obviously, I am in a time in my life that direction from others is needed. If I could fit in my sponsors or therapist pocket I would jump in there no problem that is how ....afraid I am of my own choices and decisions and how extremely whacked my thinking is!
Speaking of my sponsor. There is something I haven't said in years. Yes, I actually have one and yes, Im actually doing ALL of her suggestions without hesitation! I'm sure if you asked all my previous sponsors they would unanimously agree that never happened before. Usually I would go to meetings for awhile before asking someone to be my sponsor. When I met this lady, I knew without a doubt that she had what I wanted within the first five minutes of talking with her! I'm extremely grateful that when I asked her if she had time to sponsor me, she said yes. This is the sweet part of my week. Finding this new group and her!
The most bitter part of my week though is missing my mom. It will be six months on sunday and with all these changes I am missing her support. I always said I took care of her for the last five years and I did but there are a lot of ways that she took care of me too. I miss talking to her. Having coffee. Coming home from school and sharing with her everything I was learning. Working on film projects together. Her love and encouragement and excitement that she shared with me. Telling her about all my fucked up relationships and her laughing at me most of the time over it. If she were here thru this 'trying' time I don't think it would be as hard. She would keep my head straight and call me on my bullshit without blinking an eye. I just miss her! That emptiness I feel even though I am remembering all the good times. Looking at pictures of her. Thinking of how she would be dealing with my sucky attitude these last few days. All that makes me smile. She wouldn't want me to be sad. So, I'm going to try my best to think of all the things about her that I loved and the journey that we went on together.
It's 12 days clean and sober. I'm waiting for the miracle they keep telling me will come. I'm choosing not to abuse any drugs or alcohol and I can honestly say that I'm doing it THEIR way and not MY way today. That's pretty damn big. Now... gotta get thru this move saturday and figure out the rest one thing at a time. Because that is all I can do today and I'm told that is enough for today.
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