week 3 and 4 of therapy

I haven't been able to keep up with blog because I have not had internet. I'm moving so everything is a lil out of sorts. Week 3 and 4 in therapy has been eye opening. I love how my therapist makes me looks at things in a different light. The theme of these sessions has been 'we are our own worse critiques'. Week 3 was tough. We dove more into my past as a kid and the things that I have been thru. I did tear up at one point but shut it down pretty damn quick. Week 4 we talked a lot about my detachment when it comes to feeling in uncomfortable situations. Also, about how things I learned as a child to survive I still use today. That the way I'm always reading people and my surrounds and my lack of trust in everything and everyone can be exhausting and that is probably why I choose to stay home more than go out. Makes sense. I can be in my apartment with the tv on and people talking and there will be some lil noise coming from two doors down that drives me insane!!! I'm over sensitive. Who knew. haha. I am trying my hardest to stay open. I trust my therapist 100%. We talked about how there are no judgments in therapy sessions but I questioned her on that. I know she is professional but as an individual how could she not judge me as a person. So, she asked me what were my thoughts about the kind of person she was.  And as I described what I knew of her and what I thought of her, I realized I was judging her. I apologized of course because that was not my intentions. I need to trust the process and know that her suggestions and thoughts come from a good place and I should feel free to answer any of her questions with complete honesty or what's the point of being there? After I leave a session has been a problem for me. Feeling safe in her office as we talk but than I leave and analyze everything and become really out of whack and don't know what to do with those feelings or thoughts. I'm trying the things she is suggestion. She said it will take a LONG time for it to feel natural and real. Asking an addict to be patient is not the easiest of task by no means. I promised myself and her that I would not put those walls up and try to walk thru these fires and realize that one day maybe not soon, one day though I WILL be able to let go, let my higher power, and accept my authentic self! Everyone has bad days but I want more good days than bad so I'm willing to stand on my head if that is what she suggest at this point.

Tatum O'Neal- found a daughters journey home

I just finished reading Tatum O'Neal's book FOUND. I have to say this is another must read book. Especially, if you deal with any addiction and recovery issues. Of course I can not connect to a woman I have never met or relate to her famous family or her own fame but as I was reading her story I connected to her one addict as another and one mother as another. It is no secret in my life that I'm an addict. Today I choose not to be active in that addiction. I was reading this book and I felt this complete stranger was telling my story in parts. Her honesty and humbleness was something I struggle with but have achieved sometimes throughout my journey. As a mother being a junkie and a good mother was not possible to most. I know my addiction effected my son in negative ways. But as Tatum told in her story. I communicated with my son on being open and honest. He didn't really understand WHAT the issues were but he knew there were some. He has told me since that he always knew he was loved and cared for and never doubted that. I was lucky enough to attend a treatment center that let me bring him with me the third time around. We were there for 3 months. I figured he needed the help and understanding about the disease just as much as I did. It brought us even closer than we were before and we have always been extremely close. It helped me take back the parent role and him the child role. He doesn't worry about me as far as my addiction issues go since than. He knows that I do what I have to not to be a part of that world ever again. Yes, there are good days and bad days. OK so back to the book. I did relate also to Tatum's unhealthy relationship with her father. I am happy that she has reached a point of acceptance that I so wish to reach in my own life. I was glad that I got to make peace with my mother and enjoy her for who she was the last five years of her life. Loosing her battle to lung cancer as I held her hand and she took her last breath was the hardest thing I have ever been thru! So, there is another part of Tatum's story I related to. Her journey with her disease and her turmoil within herself with her family history and her strength as a mother that fights for healthy relationships with her children and her father was exactly things I needed to read. Since starting therapy again with an open heart and real desire  to be healthy in mind, body and soul and reading Tatum's story has helped in so many ways I don't think I could actually put it in words. Thank you Tatum for sharing you story. I wish I could find a sponsor or a friend in recovery just like you! You gave me more hope. Hope that my journey mistakes and all is my journey to being authentic and real not only with myself but with others! Again this is a MUST READ BOOK!!!!!

Class exercise to show emotion with out dialog

My First Film with my Mom as the lead

Riding the waves with Janie! One of the best friends a girl can have

Being Honest with Self

As I am rehashing and sorting out what my life is today. I'm finding it more difficult to be honest with myself than anything else. How can I be honest with others if I can't myself? I have been struggling everyday not to use but I have not done everything I can do to relieve that struggle. I read the meditation and I talk with a higher power but I can't remember the last time I went to a meeting or reached out to another person in recovery. I was honest with three people this past week about where my head is at. One person is someone that I have used with and have been clean with that is struggling in active addiction. That was too easy. One was my cousin who really doesn't understand addiction but supports how far I have come over the years and the other was my therapist who I couldn't tell everything too. I have this love/hate thing when it comes to 12 step meetings. I know I have done my best to live by the principles that are taught in meetings. I know those principles saved my life. When I lived in Texas I went to meetings sometimes five times a day trying to get it. Wanting it so badly but loosing to the disease. I was a chronic relapser. It got to the point that I was given the name 'two shot' because I would do two shots and go running back to a meeting. I always hated that nickname. Old timers believe in tough love in the rooms I learned from. When I left texas I decided that I do better without that constant reminder of drugs. Have I had slips since I left texas in 99? yes I have. But the majority of my time since than I have been clean. I have a different life. A life with a son that has forgiven me and loved me thru it all. A part of my family that has supported me even in the worst of times. The other part of my family being sick with their own addictions that I try to keep boundaries with everyday. I want to be more honest. Honest to the right people. The ones I can trust the most. The ones I know won't judge me. I did look up some meeting information. I do still hit one every so often just for a reminder. I just don't know if I can go back to trying it that way. That is honest. Even more honest. I know that I SHOULD get my ass in a meeting.

Day 2 of Therapy. Memories real or not? 'reframing'

Do you ever have memories that you aren't sure are real? I was having a conversation with a friend of mine that I have known for 15 years and we were discussing a traumatic event years ago and our versions were a bit different. Granted when this event happen we were both in serious active addiction. I have heard this same event told by at least 4 different people and all of us remember it differently. I had day 2 of therapy. Seems every time I leave a session my mind starts spinning and I start seeing flashes of things from my past. Things that I feel shameful for and guilt. I have always been one to take responsibility for the wrongs I have done without hesitation. We all know right from wrong and when I do wrong and am confronted with it I don't have that ability to lie or deny it. This never helped in those days of active addiction. Everyone would tell me I make a horrible criminal. I suppose that is a compliment now but back then it made it hard to live that life I was in. Ok so back to the memories...I have been trying to piece together things from my childhood that have shaped who I might be today. I say might because I am really not sure who I am at this point in my life. There are huge gaps in time all thru my life. Things I have blocked out. Maybe for the best or maybe because I don't want to face my part. Im not really sure. This lack of memory in time and situations has been haunting me for a long time. I listen to people talk about their childhood memories like they were yesterday and wonder why I don't have that ability. It really bothers me that there are even YEARS I can't remember or piece things together. Where I was or who I was with or what my life was like. I do have a few good memories and I even question them. Do I have those because I want to have them or are they really true memories. My childhood was a rough one. I know that it made me a survivor of the horrible things I went thru. Horrible things that is very hard for me to talk about with emotions attached to it. When I do speak of some of the things I remember I tell the story as if I was a bystander and it didn't effect me. I want to remember now. I want to work my way thru it. I say this because of the anger I have been feeling lately. Anger that I associate with my past. The choices I made. I am angry at me! I am sure that some of that anger is suppose to be directed at me but if I heard someone else tell the same story I would feel empathy for the victim and not the for the person that caused the harm. I know in reality that I am too hard on myself sometimes. I wrote in a previous blog about old tapes and new tapes. In my therapy session we talked about learning to 'reframe' my situations. I researched earlier what exactly this meant. It's about seeing the good results instead of the bad results. Kind of like old tapes and new tapes I wrote about. I'm thinking maybe my therapist might not want to tell me the method she might be using with me because as I was reading about 'reframing' I was a bit skeptical of this method. It sounds like this is a method that can be effective don't get me wrong but its extremely apparent that this is something I should learn to do because when I researched it I kept thinking this process sounds impossible. At this point in my life I am willing to try just about anything to move forward. I kind of feel sorry for my therapist because this might be difficult for me to do and will probably take a long time to believe in it. I mean truly believe that it is effective and works. I'm tired of feeling the anger, shame, and guilt! I want relief. My usual answer to relief is never a healthy one. I fight those urges daily. I may go days without finding relief in a healthy way but I can also go days without choosing the unhealthy methods. I do have my moments of making the wrong decision. Time to deal with the memories! Real or not. Unclear or not. I have to take what I have in this crazy head of mine and work with it.

Something wants me to realize something...

wow two days in a row! The meditation knows exactly where Im at in my head. Thats kinda creepy! Something is trying to tell me something lol.





July 13, 2011

Humility in action

Page 203

"If we are hurting, and most of us do from time to time, we learn to ask for help."

Basic Text, p. 83

Sometimes recovery gets downright difficult. It can be even more difficult to get humble enough to ask for help. We think, "I have all this time clean. I should be better than this!" But the reality of recovery is simple: whether we have thirty days or thirty years clean, we must be willing to ask for help when we need it.

Humility is a common theme in our Twelve Steps. The program of Narcotics Anonymous is not about keeping up appearances. Instead, the program helps us get the most from our recovery. We must be willing to lay bare our difficulties if we expect to find solutions to problems that arise in our lives.

There's an old expression sometimes heard in Narcotics Anonymous: We can't save our face and our ass at the same time. It isn't easy to share in a meeting when we have a number of years clean only to dissolve into tears because life on life's terms has made us realize our powerlessness. But when the meeting ends and another member comes up and says, "You know, I really needed to hear what you had to say," we know that there is a God working in our lives.

The taste of humility is never bitter. The rewards of humbling ourselves by asking for help sweetens our recovery

Just for Today: If I need help, I will ask for it. I will put humility into action in my life.

A Better Day

So I stayed proactive today and actually accomplished a lot. There is still so much to do! Today I have more hope than yesterday though. Funny how things can change with a little action. The hard times are not over just yet but like I said in my last blog... one foot in front of another. I actually looked up some NA and AA meeting times. I'm needing to remind myself where I came from and who I am again. Having the support of the steps and other recovering addicts is an important thing and I seem to forget that sometimes. I know if I just keep working hard at doing the next right thing, everything will work out in the end. Maybe not in MY timeframe but it will. This is the reading today in Just For Today Meditation. I always find it strange that when I read the material it is exactly where I am at that moment. That instant gratification comes in many forms Maybe not drugs TODAY but in all areas of my life. My thinking is my disease. This is why I made that short film above. How easily it is to be tempted by the things in our lives that are not healthy. Not just drugs and alcohol. But co-depence, food, shopping, whatever your vices might be. I just have a lot of them that I have to work on DAILY. It's progress not perfection!!
July 12, 2011

Patience

Page 202

"We were trapped by our need for the instant gratification that drugs gave us."

Basic Text, p. 25

"I want what I want, and I want it now!" That's about as patient as most of us ever got in our active addiction. The obsession and compulsion of our disease gave us a "one-track" way of thinking; when we wanted something, that's all we thought about. And the drugs we took taught us that instant gratification was never more than a dose away. It's no wonder that most of us came to Narcotics Anonymous with next to no patience.

The problem is, we can't always get what we want whenever we want it. Some of our wishes are pure fantasy; if we think about it, we'll realize we have no reason to believe those wishes will be fulfilled in our lifetimes. We probably can't even fulfill all our realistic desires; we certainly can't fulfill them all at once. In order to acquire or achieve some things, we will have to sacrifice others.

In our addiction we sought instant gratification, squandering our resources. In recovery we must learn to prioritize, sometimes denying the gratification of some desires in order to fulfill more important long-term goals. To do so requires patience. To find that patience, we practice our program of recovery, seeking the kind of full-bodied spiritual awakening that will allow us to live and enjoy life on life's terms.

Just for Today: Higher Power, help me discover what's most important in my life. Help me learn patience, so that I can devote my resources to the important things.

Mr. Green quicktime.mov

Feeling Lost

No matter how hard I am trying to start over it seems it's not enough! It's really hard to stay positive when you feel the deck is stacked against you! I'm staying proactive in doing whatever I can to make a fresh start for myself but road block after road block keeps getting in the way. I'm frustrated! I want so badly to have that peace I had just a few short months ago. I will continue taking the next right step to the best of my ability. That's all I got for now. I'm tired! I know that much. I need to do something to refuel. I thought the recent vacation was what would work and it did for a few days when I got back and than reality was there again. I do believe I am in the need of a 12 step meeting because I am NOT in a good space. I miss my mom. She was my rock! I didn't realize just how much she was until she was gone. I talk to her all the time but it's just not the same as having her with me. I just want to stop stressing about how Im going to survive everyday. I wish I had the confidence to charge for photography to make some extra money but I just don't feel like Im that good. Self esteem is an issue for most addicts. It's really hard to just ask for help. And even harder to know who to ask help from. I feel so lost!

Where do you see God?

I have really been struggling with faith. Believing in a higher power that can give me peace. Believing in God has been a battle for me for many years. I grew up in a church. First a Christian Church and after that a Southern Baptist Church. Some of my closest friends are very true christians. I admire their faith in God and how they accept me 100% even if their beliefs might believe that I might go to hell for who I am today. They believe my judgement will come before their God. I do believe in something bigger than us all. For years now I have called myself agnostic. I catch myself praying to whatever might be hearing me and still question is there really a God like the Bible says. I believe that the bible is a spiritually written book by men. Thats about as far as I get on that one. I have read many books that our spiritual! That lead you to think about being a better person and to share the best parts of yourself to others that may need it. Where do I see God? I see it in PEOPLE! You can see something so bright sometimes in some people that is blinding. Im not talking about religion either. If you can believe in something, anything that makes you a better person and guides you in your life and brings you strength Im happy for you! As I would hope you would feel the same about me. I sometimes walk by and ignore other things that I should be seeing God in. I see God in animals and nature. It's strange how both my cat and my dog want to be right next to me when Im feeling down. They sense when I am feeling lost and alone and show more love than anything has ever to me. I see God in nature. The beauty of the flowers blooming and the smell of a spring shower. Most my family would tell you that Im a city girl but my mom did teach me to see the beauty in nature! I see God in children. Their innocence and thirst for knowledge amazes me every time I witness it. When I'm using my camera, that is when I see more than anything. Hiding behind a lens watching the world and when I capture a moment in time that maybe no one else notices feels like a moment I am not in power of but something greater than me. I may struggle with giving over my will to my higher power but I do notice it when I see it. So how can I question God and see that higher powers work at the same time? Will I ever have those answers? Im not sure. But I can say even when I royally screw up in my life that is when I seek even more than when Im not screwing up. It's a daily struggle but maybe one day it will become easier to believing in something without question. I don't know. It's a process that never ends and I think when it does that might not be a good thing. It is human nature to doubt what we can not see or feel. It is my choice daily to question and seek it. That's a step further than I was yesterday!

Believing in me! First day back in therapy!

First day back in therapy after years of not going. I am lucky enough to be back with one of my favorite therapist that I have ever had where I don't have to start all over with someone new. Of course the first thing she ask is what do you want to work on? What is going on with you? I didn't know where to begin. There are so many major changes going on in my life I am overwhelmed and stressed out! I know there is a lot in my history that I have to look back on so I can move forward. We touched base on what has been going on in the last few months and how I'm trying my best to deal with but have those days I don't deal with anything so well at all. I suppose most people have days like these. This can't be that unusual right? As the session progressed she mentioned to me that she has never seen me more open and ready to face things. I am not the most cooperative patient one can have for sure. I shut down and put up road blocks at every turn to avoid what really needs to be said. It's hard for me to trust anyone. I don't like being that way but life has made me this way and I have to now learn new ways of approaching and dealing with who I am and not who others are. I have to work on setting boundaries with people that are unhealthy to be around. This includes any family members that might be toxic for me. I am the youngest of 5 brothers and 2 sisters. Two of which have already passed away. One that has completely disowned all of us and 2 I have hardly any touch with. That leaves 2 brothers that have a superficial relationship with. I may not have been lucky in having strong bonds with my brothers and sisters but I do have 5 cousins which I consider my sisters.(and one cousin I consider a brother) I spend all the holidays with them and their families and I wouldn't have it any other way. Maria, Sam, Kimbur, Missy, Roni, and Josh. They have taught me many things over the years and have been there when I have success and when I have failures. I can ALWAYS count on them and I love them for that! ok so where am I going with this blog. Hard to say lol. I know that you can change behaviors IF you are open to changing them. I am open. I think I wrote in another blog that I have hope! With hope comes desire! With desire comes change. I can change to become the person I know is there inside me. I see glimpses of that person. I hear those positive things from those closest to me. Now it is time to start believing in myself! Time to stop putting others before me and take care of me. That is my beginning. With the help of my therapist and the love and support of my sisters I know that I will be ok. Im also very lucky to have a son that supports me and believes in me even when I don't deserve it from him. I would not be this far in my life without him. How I raised such a loving, caring, old fashioned terrific guy is beyond me. He is every bit of good that is in me! Thank you to my family that loves me unconditionally and believe with me that I will become who I am suppose to truly be!!

old tapes vs new tapes

Seems like lately that I have both old tapes and new tapes running in my head at same time. I keep trying to find the knob to turn up the volume of the new tapes to drown out the old or the stop button to turn off the old tapes. Maybe I should explain what I mean by old tapes and new tapes. In recovery I learned that as children we learn a behavior about our thinking that is negative. Things like I am not good enough, I am not talented enough, I am fat, all those negative thoughts that run thru our head our old tapes that we learn somehow in our life. When we are getting well we learn the new behavior of affirmations about ourselves and who we really are. Like, I am beautiful, I am kind, I am talented, etc... This is where I am at today. Those old behaviors old tapes never completely go away but we try to listen to our new tapes. I'm struggling with that. I know it is just the pressures I have in my life right now. The loss of my mom, my son moving out, having to find a new place to live that is more affordable and works for me in this new chapter of my life. The fact that I have to put school on hold for a bit. Not knowing my purpose in life after spending my entire adult life caring for someone. I'm seeing that co-dependency stronger than ever because of NOT having someone to care for. I don't know what the right decisions are for me and I'm really trying to listen to the new tapes. Somedays are harder than others I guess. I'm still learning this new behavior. There is still hope for me. I do hear that new tape! As long as I don't give up on life, life will not give up on me. Does that makes sense?