Monday, July 18, 2011
Being Honest with Self
As I am rehashing and sorting out what my life is today. I'm finding it more difficult to be honest with myself than anything else. How can I be honest with others if I can't myself? I have been struggling everyday not to use but I have not done everything I can do to relieve that struggle. I read the meditation and I talk with a higher power but I can't remember the last time I went to a meeting or reached out to another person in recovery. I was honest with three people this past week about where my head is at. One person is someone that I have used with and have been clean with that is struggling in active addiction. That was too easy. One was my cousin who really doesn't understand addiction but supports how far I have come over the years and the other was my therapist who I couldn't tell everything too. I have this love/hate thing when it comes to 12 step meetings. I know I have done my best to live by the principles that are taught in meetings. I know those principles saved my life. When I lived in Texas I went to meetings sometimes five times a day trying to get it. Wanting it so badly but loosing to the disease. I was a chronic relapser. It got to the point that I was given the name 'two shot' because I would do two shots and go running back to a meeting. I always hated that nickname. Old timers believe in tough love in the rooms I learned from. When I left texas I decided that I do better without that constant reminder of drugs. Have I had slips since I left texas in 99? yes I have. But the majority of my time since than I have been clean. I have a different life. A life with a son that has forgiven me and loved me thru it all. A part of my family that has supported me even in the worst of times. The other part of my family being sick with their own addictions that I try to keep boundaries with everyday. I want to be more honest. Honest to the right people. The ones I can trust the most. The ones I know won't judge me. I did look up some meeting information. I do still hit one every so often just for a reminder. I just don't know if I can go back to trying it that way. That is honest. Even more honest. I know that I SHOULD get my ass in a meeting.
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4 comments:
hi
my name is denise and i have been clean and sober for 20 years. i found you blog through twitter. i hope you do get to a meeting. i think acceptance is the key to finding peace with your disease. there was a short time i backed off of meetings and without using my life became a mess. its my medicine. its what keeps my brain straight because it does now function right on its own. i'm sure you have heard your brain is a bad neighborhood you shouldn't hang out in. i appreciate your honesty and you just putting out there how you feel just shows that you do want recovery. i had to accept this was a disease i got and it would never go away all i could do is manage it and through meetings and other people i have learned to trust in the program it is managed. good luck to you. i have been around long enough to see what happens to people who do not go to meetings. many funerals and jail visits. you are being honest with yourself and that's key. i found when i let go of my control and get a measure of humility then i am truly free.
thanks Denise. I appreciate your comment. I haven't been to a meeting yet but plan to yes. I have been in KC now for 10 years and have yet to find a meeting hall I click with but that is ok. I still have lots of friends back in texas that are in recovery that I Reach out to. I know that is not enough. I still struggle with my negative feelings about meetings. I do help many addicts in my life and feel like I give what I have learned away just as it has done for me. I always am honest about not actually being in the program but I share the principles I have learned through my journey. I do accept that it is a disease. I do talk to a therapist openly about it. I do know that being in my head is a dangerous place to be. I know I need to be reminded where I was and why I have chosen to live a new life. I think everyone with this disease no matter how much time you have struggle with these things at times. Especially if they have chosen a different path other than meetings.
I agree. I doesn't matter how much time you have. I still struggle at times. I am blessed though that the desire to use has left me a long time ago. I also think people can get clean and sober through different avenues. They did not work for me but that's just me. I also feel one program is better then the other. There is more support in the one I attend. I used to go to two 12 step programs but I stick with the one I feel has more of a success rate. I also make sure I surround myself with people who walk the talk in and out of the rooms. I wish you luck and happiness in your journey. I saw your post and thought I had sensed some distress so I just felt I needed to reach out to you.
Im not saying Im not in a dangerous place. That is obvious! Im just saying Im struggling with what works for me. I do have an open mind. I do plan on a meeting. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate your comments and your support. It's always nice to get another addicts support! Thank you again.
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