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A Good Day

Today has been a good day! Cody, my son, came over and hooked up my dryer and leveled my washer and also took me out to lunch. We had a very mature conversation about many topics. I couldn't ask for a better son!
This evening I spent with some great people too. Some of the conversation was serious but for the most part it was just hanging out, laughing, listening, enjoying other people. That does feel better than isolating I have to say.
I went to a speaker meeting today and heard some great things. Things I could totally relate to. Things that made me grateful for where I was sitting and even grateful for what brought me there.
I have been practicing many new things in  my life. Some are very uncomfortable. I will say the meeting made me a lil anxious because it was a bigger meeting and I only knew one person there. I don't do well in groups but better in one on one conversation. Large groups = a lot of different energy. My senses kick into overdrive. Trying to read people and listen to people can be overwhelming to me in large groups. I think this is why I have such a hard time shopping.
Im feeling a bit drained. I think tomorrow will be a do some laundry and work on step work and relax kinda day. My pain is high tonight and it has been all day. Making me sick to my stomach. This is usually a sign that I am staying to busy and need to slow it down a bit. If I don't notice these signs my body is telling me I can really get sick. The heat was a bit much today too.
I can't even tell you how cool it is to make new friends. To spend time with people that I connect with on many levels. People I don't have to be fake with. Not that I dont have a few friends like this already. This is just different.
I can honestly say I felt happiness and peace for most of my day. It has been awhile since I have said that or felt that. I am grateful today and humble. This was a good way to spend my 21st day clean and sober.

Follow the Light

You never know what life is going to bring your way. Lately I have been struggling on how to express myself. Now don't get me wrong here...when it comes to expressing myself when Im pissed off that is one area I do not struggle in. But when it comes to expressing things more positive its like speaking a foreign language!
Recently someone came into my life. Have you ever met someone and known almost instantly that this is going to be someone that will be in my life for years to come? I met someone like this. She has this light about her that attracts you like a moth to a flame. Not that her light is bad. It is something almost unexplainable. I struggle with being real with people most of the time. With the exception of my cousins who are like my sisters I can count on one hand how many friends I have like this. Friends that I can be completely 100% me with and feel no judgements from. They take the good and the bad and they love me unconditionally. I didn't use to believe that was possible. I thought except for a parent with their children unconditional love was impossible. I'm lucky enough to say that I am blessed with a few friends that know how to love unconditionally and I can return that right back to them.
Ok so back to this lady I met...When I spend time with her I have no hesitation about being real with her.  I'm able to share with her honestly and openly without thinking twice. An outsider might say I don't get it. Although, her and I have walked down some of the same paths what is this connection? She is almost as young as my son. She is a newly wed. She is in a different spot in her life. All I see is this woman that I can learn so much from and that can make me laugh when nothing else can. I get this calming feeling when I'm around her. Her spirituality is freaking amazing! Sometimes I watch her and think wow she got this deal so damn young and Im envious of that but in the same thought, Im thanking whatever it is that brought her into my life in a dark time.
She's wise beyond her years, full of life, full of joy, humbled, excited by life and grateful for what she has and who she is. Who wouldn't want a friend like that? I look forward everyday to what I'm going to learn from her. I am humbled and honored to spend even a few minutes with her.
Maybe this all sounds a bit corny I don't know. If it does alright this is a softer side in me. I can't tell you how many times a day I have felt such gratitude for her. I truly believe in my heart that this will be a friend I have for a lifetime not just a leader and teacher to me. I look forward to getting to know her better! Thank you for opening up your heart, giving me your time, sharing your story, and just being there to listen. You know who you are...'boo' ::::laughing:::

It's been a Bitter/Sweet Week and I'm waiting for the miracle to happen!

"We are our own worst enemy!" This a very true statement for me. I can't say that I have had the best of weeks. It's been a bitter/sweet week. Life doesn't always go as we planned and people don't always act like IIIIIIII think they should. See, I can totally admit Im narcissistic! Over the years I have learned to become a giving person. Giving of my time, money, space, home, food, car, gas. If I have a bra on I would give the shirt off my back to someone that needed it. But somewhere along the way I went from being completely self-involved to having no boundaries and enabling people! I know shocker right. Me, an enabler. It's true. At the same time I am telling myself I don't expect anything in return except respect and be the same kind of person to me that I have been to you or pay it forward. Is that selfish of me to ask? Those don't seem like   unreasonable expectations of loved ones and friends or even strangers. Setting boundaries is not easy for me. The line becomes blurred somewhere along the path! I always thought I had no problem with saying no and setting boundaries but it is VERY apparent today that I do. My excuses that I use to defend my giving to extremes are weak. All I can do at this point is work on setting and keeping those boundaries and pay attention to the one sided relationships. They are not healthy for anyone!
Im moving saturday. I have lived in this same apartment complex for ten years. Hard to believe I have lived in one state ten years! Geographical changes was always a favorite for me. I always said when Cody (my son) graduates from high school, I will go anywhere I want. He is 23 now and I am still here. Mostly because I couldn't bare to live too far from him! I'm excited for this new beginning in my new apartment and scared to death that this is the first time in my entire life that I will be living alone! Yep, 42 years old and never lived alone. I have a habit of always letting someone move in with me. I say... people did it for me. This time I have to live alone! People can come visit but they better have an exit trip  to get thru the door! Pj's halfway house is closed!
There are a ton of changes happening at once in my life right now. People are actually reminding me to BREATH. Seems silly that I have to be told to do something that is suppose to be natural for us. Obviously, I am in a time in my life that direction from others is needed. If I could fit in my sponsors or therapist pocket I would jump in there no problem that is how ....afraid I am of my own choices and decisions and how extremely whacked my thinking is!
Speaking of my sponsor. There is something I haven't said in years. Yes, I actually have one and yes, Im actually doing ALL of her suggestions without hesitation! I'm sure if you asked all my previous sponsors they would unanimously agree that never happened before. Usually I would go to meetings for awhile before asking someone to be my sponsor. When I met this lady, I knew without a doubt that she had what I wanted within the first five minutes of talking with her! I'm extremely grateful that when I asked her if she had time to sponsor me, she said yes. This is the sweet part of my week. Finding this new group and her!
The most bitter part of my week though is missing my mom. It will be six months on sunday and with all these changes I am missing her support. I always said I took care of her for the last five years and I did but there are a lot of ways that she took care of me too. I miss talking to her. Having coffee. Coming home from school and sharing with her everything I was learning. Working on film projects together. Her love and encouragement and excitement that she shared with me. Telling her about all my fucked up relationships and her laughing at me most of the time over it. If she were here thru this 'trying' time I don't think it would be as hard. She would keep my head straight and call me on my bullshit without blinking an eye. I just miss her! That emptiness I feel even though I am remembering all the good times. Looking at pictures of her. Thinking of how she would be dealing with my sucky attitude these last few days. All that makes me smile. She wouldn't want me to be sad. So, I'm going to try my best to think of all the things about her that I loved and the journey that we went on together.
It's 12 days clean and sober. I'm waiting for the miracle they keep telling me will come. I'm choosing not to abuse any drugs or alcohol and I can honestly say that I'm doing it THEIR way and not MY way today. That's pretty damn big. Now... gotta get thru this move saturday and figure out the rest one thing at a time. Because that is all I can do today and I'm told that is enough for today.

A step in the right Direction.

Letting go of our limitations

Page 236

"We don't have to settle for the limitations of the past. We can examine and reexamine our old ideas."

Basic Text, p. 11

Most of us come to the program with a multitude of self-imposed limitations that prevent us from realizing our full potential, limitations that impede our attempts to find the values that lie at the core of our being. We place limitations on our ability to be true to ourselves, limitations on our ability to function at work, limitations on the risks we're willing to take-the list seems endless. If our parents or teachers told us we would never succeed, and we believed them, chances are we didn't achieve much. If our socialization taught us not to stand up for ourselves, we didn't, even if everything inside us was screaming to do so. In Narcotics Anonymous, we are given a process by which we can recognize these false limitations for what they are. Through our Fourth Step, we'll discover that we don't want to keep all the rules we've been taught. We don't have to be the life-long victims of past experiences. We are free to discard the ideas that inhibit our growth. We are capable of stretching our boundaries to encompass new ideas and new experiences. We are free to laugh, to cry, and, above all, to enjoy our recovery.

Just for Today: I will let go of my self-imposed limitations and open my mind to new ideas. So today I actually got my ass up out of this house and went to an NA meeting. I had never been to this group before. I was anxious all day about going. Today I have 8 days no drugs, no alcohol! I have pretty much just been staying in my apartment packing up for my move this coming saturday and avoiding anything outside of here. Again, I was trying to do this alone and my way. Well, hell my way doesn't work once again I learn. Since I left Texas and my last treatment center I have had a few slips on drugs. Than I went hell idk 3 years I think with not doing any drugs or drinking. Than I had a small slip and than I decided I am a social drinker. Alcohol has never been my drug of choice. I can always take it or leave it. Same with weed but once in awhile I did smoke weed. Not to get high but for the pain and insomnia that I struggle with on the daily basis. It doesn't matter.. a drug is a drug is a drug and if I truly want to be a happy, stable, healthy person than I must work this program as it is suppose to be worked. And I can't do that if I abuse or use or drink. Hell my addictions range on from drugs, sex, relationships, family drama, food, cigs, coffee, the list keeps going. These are all SYMPTOMS of what is really the issue and that is my way of thinking. Even though I have had these slips or relapses or whatever you want to label it, I have used the principles of a 12 step as a guide in my life but being honest not to its full potential as I have admitted above. I might be back at step 1 but just getting my ass to that meeting, admitting that I only had 8 days clean and sober, getting a just for today chip, and a list of numbers of women with time clean is HUGE. The therapy I have been doing has been HUGE too. Some of the toughest sessions I have ever done. Speaking out loud about the past in details is freaking hard and I live in fear. I have disassociated and disconnected myself from it for 42 years. I want to be healthy! I want to be happy! I want to have a relationships with people without feeling fake. I want what those who have worked this program in their lives everyday and LIVE IT everyday have. I deserve it. My son deserves to have a mom who is truly happy with life and has a purpose. I think I have used him as my purpose for so long I struggle with letting that go. Not saying that he will not always be my purpose just saying he can't be ALL my purpose. He has been so great. A pain in the ass sometimes but since my mom passed away in Feb, Cody has stepped up and looked after me the best he has been able to. It's hard for him to watch his mom in pain. I love him and how I got so lucky to have such a wonderful son like him is beyond me. He has turned out to be a terrific man. Ok so this is a beginning.  Alright my texan home  group... 'two shots' is back in the game. Love to all who have supported and guided me in the direction I ended up today. Even those on twitter and you know who you are. Inspirations in my life! you might be strangers but not to me you are women of courage and love. Thank you.

Realizing Who Are The Right People To Have Around You

I had the opportunity to spend some time with a few people I don't see often. The first visit was a last minute plan. At first my cousin and I were excited to have a 'girls night' with one of my exs and someone I thought is a friend but have come to realize might not be someone I should surround myself with. Don't get me wrong. I will always consider this person someone that means something to me but after spending the evening with them I realize that it might not be so healthy for me to spend actually time with them. The conversations between this person and my cousin were fun and light hearted but the conversations between us were uncomfortable, harsh, some-what nasty at times. I don't think there was one comment from that evening that made me feel welcomed to be around. They did serve us an awesome dinner and it was a relaxing evening once I was in another room watching Big Brother and SYTYCD. It's a shame that we can't seem to be around each other without snide comments back and forth. I had to make a decision that there just comes no good from spending time with people that are toxic for you and bring you no joy. IF this person were to need a friend I would still be there to a point but from this moment on I have decided that not spending actual time together is the best solution for both parties.
The second friend is someone I don't get a chance to see very often but every time I do, I'm smiling and laughing the entire time. Granted this is not an ex so the dynamics are much different than the first person. haha. Makes a difference I believe. My friend came for an evening and a day. Last night we just hung out and talked with my cousin and her roomy. It was a calm evening and we all laughed at each others stories! Than today I went shopping with them and their daughter. Shopping is not my favorite thing to do but spending time with this person brighten my day and prove to me how a friend should really be treated. Respect, humor, communication, smiles, laughter, love, patience, encouragement. These are just a few words that popped in my head about how spending time with a friend should be. Not once did I feel any negativity or was there a comment that was said from either party that was harmful or hurtful. Complete acceptance of each other and our differences were embraced. Learning who the right people are to surround yourself with can be challenging at times. Lessons that are hard to learn. I am grateful I am able to tell the difference in how a friendship should be like instead of accepting what shit some 'friends' can be in your life. If I want to have a happy joyful life a big part of that is who I surround myself with!

Week 5 of Therapy

It seems each time I go into a session it gets harder. I am not one to be completely open with anyone about anything. I consider myself an honest person but being honest in therapy is hard because I can not seem to be completely honest with myself. This is not a new discovery by no means. I truly go into a session telling myself I will NOT shut down. I will NOT disassociate. I will NOT throw my walls up. Does this self talk work. Not yet! But I am trying. We talked about things I am doing that are not healthy for me and making more positive distractions instead of working on finding ways to numb myself from the feelings. My therapist Dawn, always wants me to NAME those feelings but I HATE to admit weakness. I logically know what I'm doing and how I'm feeling but saying it out loud is another story. I'm stuck. Stuck in the past and its hanging me up big time. It sucks letting stuff from my past control who I am today. I don't want to just survive in life. That is what I said this week. I want to LIVE life. I want to BE happy. I don't want to go thru life anymore faking what is really in my head and heart. Dawn says I have to 'revisit' the past and those feelings because they are HERE now! They can't be ignored any longer. Makes perfect sense but it still scares the hell out of me. My niece called me today. She has a couple of months clean and I asked her did you get a sponsor yet. She said what do you mean. I have a sponsor! I'm like who? She says you! I laughed. I said I think that you are suppose to have a sponsor that has more time than you and is actually working an honest healthy program. It's nice that she thinks that I can still lead her thru the program because I always have but I don't have it. But I will say Im very proud of her progress and her time clean and sober. It's been a long time coming. She has encouraged me to read the big book more and consider my own situation. But the blind leading the blind is never a good idea! Gotta love her though. I'm going to start seeing Dawn twice a week. I have been working on doing healthier distractions instead of numbing. It's a process. One thing is true. I am a survivor and I WILL get thru this. I can't let fear stand in my way. Not today!

Struggling

I am trying so hard today to see the positive things. Somedays we are our own worst enemies and today is definitely one of those days for me. I want so badly not to hurt over the loss of my mom, the loss of my son growing up and seeing less of him, the loss of school, and forgetting the past. It all seems so much at once to deal with. My friend told me no matter what bad choices I make to numb the pain it doesn't change a damn thing. That pain is still there and now I have added more guilt and shame to the pile. I have my cousin Missy who is a blessing in my life for sure. I can talk to her about anything with no judgements and lots of love and understanding and I thank her for that. I don't know what I would do without her right now. I just want to be happy again. I say again. I do believe there was a time I was happy and content with my life but that is missing. I wish someone could just hand me a map or a How to be happy for dummies. Something! Yes, I know. Go to meetings, find a sponsor, read the material, work the steps and find a higher power. I know the drill. I love the principles but I hate the program cause well I always have to do things MY WAY. The way that keeps me sick and unhappy. When will I learn????

week 3 and 4 of therapy

I haven't been able to keep up with blog because I have not had internet. I'm moving so everything is a lil out of sorts. Week 3 and 4 in therapy has been eye opening. I love how my therapist makes me looks at things in a different light. The theme of these sessions has been 'we are our own worse critiques'. Week 3 was tough. We dove more into my past as a kid and the things that I have been thru. I did tear up at one point but shut it down pretty damn quick. Week 4 we talked a lot about my detachment when it comes to feeling in uncomfortable situations. Also, about how things I learned as a child to survive I still use today. That the way I'm always reading people and my surrounds and my lack of trust in everything and everyone can be exhausting and that is probably why I choose to stay home more than go out. Makes sense. I can be in my apartment with the tv on and people talking and there will be some lil noise coming from two doors down that drives me insane!!! I'm over sensitive. Who knew. haha. I am trying my hardest to stay open. I trust my therapist 100%. We talked about how there are no judgments in therapy sessions but I questioned her on that. I know she is professional but as an individual how could she not judge me as a person. So, she asked me what were my thoughts about the kind of person she was.  And as I described what I knew of her and what I thought of her, I realized I was judging her. I apologized of course because that was not my intentions. I need to trust the process and know that her suggestions and thoughts come from a good place and I should feel free to answer any of her questions with complete honesty or what's the point of being there? After I leave a session has been a problem for me. Feeling safe in her office as we talk but than I leave and analyze everything and become really out of whack and don't know what to do with those feelings or thoughts. I'm trying the things she is suggestion. She said it will take a LONG time for it to feel natural and real. Asking an addict to be patient is not the easiest of task by no means. I promised myself and her that I would not put those walls up and try to walk thru these fires and realize that one day maybe not soon, one day though I WILL be able to let go, let my higher power, and accept my authentic self! Everyone has bad days but I want more good days than bad so I'm willing to stand on my head if that is what she suggest at this point.

Tatum O'Neal- found a daughters journey home

I just finished reading Tatum O'Neal's book FOUND. I have to say this is another must read book. Especially, if you deal with any addiction and recovery issues. Of course I can not connect to a woman I have never met or relate to her famous family or her own fame but as I was reading her story I connected to her one addict as another and one mother as another. It is no secret in my life that I'm an addict. Today I choose not to be active in that addiction. I was reading this book and I felt this complete stranger was telling my story in parts. Her honesty and humbleness was something I struggle with but have achieved sometimes throughout my journey. As a mother being a junkie and a good mother was not possible to most. I know my addiction effected my son in negative ways. But as Tatum told in her story. I communicated with my son on being open and honest. He didn't really understand WHAT the issues were but he knew there were some. He has told me since that he always knew he was loved and cared for and never doubted that. I was lucky enough to attend a treatment center that let me bring him with me the third time around. We were there for 3 months. I figured he needed the help and understanding about the disease just as much as I did. It brought us even closer than we were before and we have always been extremely close. It helped me take back the parent role and him the child role. He doesn't worry about me as far as my addiction issues go since than. He knows that I do what I have to not to be a part of that world ever again. Yes, there are good days and bad days. OK so back to the book. I did relate also to Tatum's unhealthy relationship with her father. I am happy that she has reached a point of acceptance that I so wish to reach in my own life. I was glad that I got to make peace with my mother and enjoy her for who she was the last five years of her life. Loosing her battle to lung cancer as I held her hand and she took her last breath was the hardest thing I have ever been thru! So, there is another part of Tatum's story I related to. Her journey with her disease and her turmoil within herself with her family history and her strength as a mother that fights for healthy relationships with her children and her father was exactly things I needed to read. Since starting therapy again with an open heart and real desire  to be healthy in mind, body and soul and reading Tatum's story has helped in so many ways I don't think I could actually put it in words. Thank you Tatum for sharing you story. I wish I could find a sponsor or a friend in recovery just like you! You gave me more hope. Hope that my journey mistakes and all is my journey to being authentic and real not only with myself but with others! Again this is a MUST READ BOOK!!!!!

Class exercise to show emotion with out dialog

My First Film with my Mom as the lead

Riding the waves with Janie! One of the best friends a girl can have

Being Honest with Self

As I am rehashing and sorting out what my life is today. I'm finding it more difficult to be honest with myself than anything else. How can I be honest with others if I can't myself? I have been struggling everyday not to use but I have not done everything I can do to relieve that struggle. I read the meditation and I talk with a higher power but I can't remember the last time I went to a meeting or reached out to another person in recovery. I was honest with three people this past week about where my head is at. One person is someone that I have used with and have been clean with that is struggling in active addiction. That was too easy. One was my cousin who really doesn't understand addiction but supports how far I have come over the years and the other was my therapist who I couldn't tell everything too. I have this love/hate thing when it comes to 12 step meetings. I know I have done my best to live by the principles that are taught in meetings. I know those principles saved my life. When I lived in Texas I went to meetings sometimes five times a day trying to get it. Wanting it so badly but loosing to the disease. I was a chronic relapser. It got to the point that I was given the name 'two shot' because I would do two shots and go running back to a meeting. I always hated that nickname. Old timers believe in tough love in the rooms I learned from. When I left texas I decided that I do better without that constant reminder of drugs. Have I had slips since I left texas in 99? yes I have. But the majority of my time since than I have been clean. I have a different life. A life with a son that has forgiven me and loved me thru it all. A part of my family that has supported me even in the worst of times. The other part of my family being sick with their own addictions that I try to keep boundaries with everyday. I want to be more honest. Honest to the right people. The ones I can trust the most. The ones I know won't judge me. I did look up some meeting information. I do still hit one every so often just for a reminder. I just don't know if I can go back to trying it that way. That is honest. Even more honest. I know that I SHOULD get my ass in a meeting.

Day 2 of Therapy. Memories real or not? 'reframing'

Do you ever have memories that you aren't sure are real? I was having a conversation with a friend of mine that I have known for 15 years and we were discussing a traumatic event years ago and our versions were a bit different. Granted when this event happen we were both in serious active addiction. I have heard this same event told by at least 4 different people and all of us remember it differently. I had day 2 of therapy. Seems every time I leave a session my mind starts spinning and I start seeing flashes of things from my past. Things that I feel shameful for and guilt. I have always been one to take responsibility for the wrongs I have done without hesitation. We all know right from wrong and when I do wrong and am confronted with it I don't have that ability to lie or deny it. This never helped in those days of active addiction. Everyone would tell me I make a horrible criminal. I suppose that is a compliment now but back then it made it hard to live that life I was in. Ok so back to the memories...I have been trying to piece together things from my childhood that have shaped who I might be today. I say might because I am really not sure who I am at this point in my life. There are huge gaps in time all thru my life. Things I have blocked out. Maybe for the best or maybe because I don't want to face my part. Im not really sure. This lack of memory in time and situations has been haunting me for a long time. I listen to people talk about their childhood memories like they were yesterday and wonder why I don't have that ability. It really bothers me that there are even YEARS I can't remember or piece things together. Where I was or who I was with or what my life was like. I do have a few good memories and I even question them. Do I have those because I want to have them or are they really true memories. My childhood was a rough one. I know that it made me a survivor of the horrible things I went thru. Horrible things that is very hard for me to talk about with emotions attached to it. When I do speak of some of the things I remember I tell the story as if I was a bystander and it didn't effect me. I want to remember now. I want to work my way thru it. I say this because of the anger I have been feeling lately. Anger that I associate with my past. The choices I made. I am angry at me! I am sure that some of that anger is suppose to be directed at me but if I heard someone else tell the same story I would feel empathy for the victim and not the for the person that caused the harm. I know in reality that I am too hard on myself sometimes. I wrote in a previous blog about old tapes and new tapes. In my therapy session we talked about learning to 'reframe' my situations. I researched earlier what exactly this meant. It's about seeing the good results instead of the bad results. Kind of like old tapes and new tapes I wrote about. I'm thinking maybe my therapist might not want to tell me the method she might be using with me because as I was reading about 'reframing' I was a bit skeptical of this method. It sounds like this is a method that can be effective don't get me wrong but its extremely apparent that this is something I should learn to do because when I researched it I kept thinking this process sounds impossible. At this point in my life I am willing to try just about anything to move forward. I kind of feel sorry for my therapist because this might be difficult for me to do and will probably take a long time to believe in it. I mean truly believe that it is effective and works. I'm tired of feeling the anger, shame, and guilt! I want relief. My usual answer to relief is never a healthy one. I fight those urges daily. I may go days without finding relief in a healthy way but I can also go days without choosing the unhealthy methods. I do have my moments of making the wrong decision. Time to deal with the memories! Real or not. Unclear or not. I have to take what I have in this crazy head of mine and work with it.

Something wants me to realize something...

wow two days in a row! The meditation knows exactly where Im at in my head. Thats kinda creepy! Something is trying to tell me something lol.





July 13, 2011

Humility in action

Page 203

"If we are hurting, and most of us do from time to time, we learn to ask for help."

Basic Text, p. 83

Sometimes recovery gets downright difficult. It can be even more difficult to get humble enough to ask for help. We think, "I have all this time clean. I should be better than this!" But the reality of recovery is simple: whether we have thirty days or thirty years clean, we must be willing to ask for help when we need it.

Humility is a common theme in our Twelve Steps. The program of Narcotics Anonymous is not about keeping up appearances. Instead, the program helps us get the most from our recovery. We must be willing to lay bare our difficulties if we expect to find solutions to problems that arise in our lives.

There's an old expression sometimes heard in Narcotics Anonymous: We can't save our face and our ass at the same time. It isn't easy to share in a meeting when we have a number of years clean only to dissolve into tears because life on life's terms has made us realize our powerlessness. But when the meeting ends and another member comes up and says, "You know, I really needed to hear what you had to say," we know that there is a God working in our lives.

The taste of humility is never bitter. The rewards of humbling ourselves by asking for help sweetens our recovery

Just for Today: If I need help, I will ask for it. I will put humility into action in my life.

A Better Day

So I stayed proactive today and actually accomplished a lot. There is still so much to do! Today I have more hope than yesterday though. Funny how things can change with a little action. The hard times are not over just yet but like I said in my last blog... one foot in front of another. I actually looked up some NA and AA meeting times. I'm needing to remind myself where I came from and who I am again. Having the support of the steps and other recovering addicts is an important thing and I seem to forget that sometimes. I know if I just keep working hard at doing the next right thing, everything will work out in the end. Maybe not in MY timeframe but it will. This is the reading today in Just For Today Meditation. I always find it strange that when I read the material it is exactly where I am at that moment. That instant gratification comes in many forms Maybe not drugs TODAY but in all areas of my life. My thinking is my disease. This is why I made that short film above. How easily it is to be tempted by the things in our lives that are not healthy. Not just drugs and alcohol. But co-depence, food, shopping, whatever your vices might be. I just have a lot of them that I have to work on DAILY. It's progress not perfection!!
July 12, 2011

Patience

Page 202

"We were trapped by our need for the instant gratification that drugs gave us."

Basic Text, p. 25

"I want what I want, and I want it now!" That's about as patient as most of us ever got in our active addiction. The obsession and compulsion of our disease gave us a "one-track" way of thinking; when we wanted something, that's all we thought about. And the drugs we took taught us that instant gratification was never more than a dose away. It's no wonder that most of us came to Narcotics Anonymous with next to no patience.

The problem is, we can't always get what we want whenever we want it. Some of our wishes are pure fantasy; if we think about it, we'll realize we have no reason to believe those wishes will be fulfilled in our lifetimes. We probably can't even fulfill all our realistic desires; we certainly can't fulfill them all at once. In order to acquire or achieve some things, we will have to sacrifice others.

In our addiction we sought instant gratification, squandering our resources. In recovery we must learn to prioritize, sometimes denying the gratification of some desires in order to fulfill more important long-term goals. To do so requires patience. To find that patience, we practice our program of recovery, seeking the kind of full-bodied spiritual awakening that will allow us to live and enjoy life on life's terms.

Just for Today: Higher Power, help me discover what's most important in my life. Help me learn patience, so that I can devote my resources to the important things.

Mr. Green quicktime.mov

Feeling Lost

No matter how hard I am trying to start over it seems it's not enough! It's really hard to stay positive when you feel the deck is stacked against you! I'm staying proactive in doing whatever I can to make a fresh start for myself but road block after road block keeps getting in the way. I'm frustrated! I want so badly to have that peace I had just a few short months ago. I will continue taking the next right step to the best of my ability. That's all I got for now. I'm tired! I know that much. I need to do something to refuel. I thought the recent vacation was what would work and it did for a few days when I got back and than reality was there again. I do believe I am in the need of a 12 step meeting because I am NOT in a good space. I miss my mom. She was my rock! I didn't realize just how much she was until she was gone. I talk to her all the time but it's just not the same as having her with me. I just want to stop stressing about how Im going to survive everyday. I wish I had the confidence to charge for photography to make some extra money but I just don't feel like Im that good. Self esteem is an issue for most addicts. It's really hard to just ask for help. And even harder to know who to ask help from. I feel so lost!

Where do you see God?

I have really been struggling with faith. Believing in a higher power that can give me peace. Believing in God has been a battle for me for many years. I grew up in a church. First a Christian Church and after that a Southern Baptist Church. Some of my closest friends are very true christians. I admire their faith in God and how they accept me 100% even if their beliefs might believe that I might go to hell for who I am today. They believe my judgement will come before their God. I do believe in something bigger than us all. For years now I have called myself agnostic. I catch myself praying to whatever might be hearing me and still question is there really a God like the Bible says. I believe that the bible is a spiritually written book by men. Thats about as far as I get on that one. I have read many books that our spiritual! That lead you to think about being a better person and to share the best parts of yourself to others that may need it. Where do I see God? I see it in PEOPLE! You can see something so bright sometimes in some people that is blinding. Im not talking about religion either. If you can believe in something, anything that makes you a better person and guides you in your life and brings you strength Im happy for you! As I would hope you would feel the same about me. I sometimes walk by and ignore other things that I should be seeing God in. I see God in animals and nature. It's strange how both my cat and my dog want to be right next to me when Im feeling down. They sense when I am feeling lost and alone and show more love than anything has ever to me. I see God in nature. The beauty of the flowers blooming and the smell of a spring shower. Most my family would tell you that Im a city girl but my mom did teach me to see the beauty in nature! I see God in children. Their innocence and thirst for knowledge amazes me every time I witness it. When I'm using my camera, that is when I see more than anything. Hiding behind a lens watching the world and when I capture a moment in time that maybe no one else notices feels like a moment I am not in power of but something greater than me. I may struggle with giving over my will to my higher power but I do notice it when I see it. So how can I question God and see that higher powers work at the same time? Will I ever have those answers? Im not sure. But I can say even when I royally screw up in my life that is when I seek even more than when Im not screwing up. It's a daily struggle but maybe one day it will become easier to believing in something without question. I don't know. It's a process that never ends and I think when it does that might not be a good thing. It is human nature to doubt what we can not see or feel. It is my choice daily to question and seek it. That's a step further than I was yesterday!

Believing in me! First day back in therapy!

First day back in therapy after years of not going. I am lucky enough to be back with one of my favorite therapist that I have ever had where I don't have to start all over with someone new. Of course the first thing she ask is what do you want to work on? What is going on with you? I didn't know where to begin. There are so many major changes going on in my life I am overwhelmed and stressed out! I know there is a lot in my history that I have to look back on so I can move forward. We touched base on what has been going on in the last few months and how I'm trying my best to deal with but have those days I don't deal with anything so well at all. I suppose most people have days like these. This can't be that unusual right? As the session progressed she mentioned to me that she has never seen me more open and ready to face things. I am not the most cooperative patient one can have for sure. I shut down and put up road blocks at every turn to avoid what really needs to be said. It's hard for me to trust anyone. I don't like being that way but life has made me this way and I have to now learn new ways of approaching and dealing with who I am and not who others are. I have to work on setting boundaries with people that are unhealthy to be around. This includes any family members that might be toxic for me. I am the youngest of 5 brothers and 2 sisters. Two of which have already passed away. One that has completely disowned all of us and 2 I have hardly any touch with. That leaves 2 brothers that have a superficial relationship with. I may not have been lucky in having strong bonds with my brothers and sisters but I do have 5 cousins which I consider my sisters.(and one cousin I consider a brother) I spend all the holidays with them and their families and I wouldn't have it any other way. Maria, Sam, Kimbur, Missy, Roni, and Josh. They have taught me many things over the years and have been there when I have success and when I have failures. I can ALWAYS count on them and I love them for that! ok so where am I going with this blog. Hard to say lol. I know that you can change behaviors IF you are open to changing them. I am open. I think I wrote in another blog that I have hope! With hope comes desire! With desire comes change. I can change to become the person I know is there inside me. I see glimpses of that person. I hear those positive things from those closest to me. Now it is time to start believing in myself! Time to stop putting others before me and take care of me. That is my beginning. With the help of my therapist and the love and support of my sisters I know that I will be ok. Im also very lucky to have a son that supports me and believes in me even when I don't deserve it from him. I would not be this far in my life without him. How I raised such a loving, caring, old fashioned terrific guy is beyond me. He is every bit of good that is in me! Thank you to my family that loves me unconditionally and believe with me that I will become who I am suppose to truly be!!

old tapes vs new tapes

Seems like lately that I have both old tapes and new tapes running in my head at same time. I keep trying to find the knob to turn up the volume of the new tapes to drown out the old or the stop button to turn off the old tapes. Maybe I should explain what I mean by old tapes and new tapes. In recovery I learned that as children we learn a behavior about our thinking that is negative. Things like I am not good enough, I am not talented enough, I am fat, all those negative thoughts that run thru our head our old tapes that we learn somehow in our life. When we are getting well we learn the new behavior of affirmations about ourselves and who we really are. Like, I am beautiful, I am kind, I am talented, etc... This is where I am at today. Those old behaviors old tapes never completely go away but we try to listen to our new tapes. I'm struggling with that. I know it is just the pressures I have in my life right now. The loss of my mom, my son moving out, having to find a new place to live that is more affordable and works for me in this new chapter of my life. The fact that I have to put school on hold for a bit. Not knowing my purpose in life after spending my entire adult life caring for someone. I'm seeing that co-dependency stronger than ever because of NOT having someone to care for. I don't know what the right decisions are for me and I'm really trying to listen to the new tapes. Somedays are harder than others I guess. I'm still learning this new behavior. There is still hope for me. I do hear that new tape! As long as I don't give up on life, life will not give up on me. Does that makes sense?

New Beginnings

I'm at a point in my life where everything is changing. Most of the time I am in fear of it but I do have moments where I get excited to see what is next. I read this in my meditation today ..."Our fears are lessened and faith begins to grow as we learn the true meaning of surrender. We are no longer fighting fear, anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression."...Surrendering doesn't mean there isn't anything I am suppose to be doing. It means I have to do the action but leave the results up to my higher power! So, I sit here wondering what action can I do today to take my first steps in my new beginning. I have to find a new and cheaper place to live and I have to figure out how to get some things paid that I have feel behind on since my mom passed and my house income dropped in half. Today I will gather all the paperwork up that I need for those things. Tomorrow I have an appointment to figure some of this out. I also need to unpack from my trip and clean my house. When I look around I just get overwhelmed at all that needs to be done. But if I look at one thing at a time. I can deal with that. So, one thing at a time today I will get something done concerning the cleaning! That doesn't sound like a lot to do today, just one day, but for me right now that is plenty. And that is ok! I spent the last two days home doing nothing because I was stuck in fear. Even one thing accomplished today will be something. I did look up places I could volunteer yesterday. Places that sound like an interest that fits me. Not going to school I am going to have some free time on my hands. Everyone keeps telling me I should start taking pictures to make a little more money and I gave it some thought but still don't feel like Im there just yet. I don't mind doing it for my friends and family but Im not confident enough to start doing that for people I don't know yet. In time. I have been thinking of part-time jobs I could possibly do. I would love to be a tech at a treatment center. I think physically I could handle this. It's hard trying to figure out what job I can do today with my health. Again, I will come to that decision when it is time. If I am meant to work it will happen. One day at a time. One step at a time! New Beginnings are fresh starts. There is no handbook on what the right or wrong way is. My path will become clear as I walk it.

All that Is Bitter and Sweet Must read book from Ashley Judd and my reactions to it

Just had a great 9 day vaca with a good friend in NJ! It was relaxing and I told myself before I went I would do whatever it takes to not think about reality during those 9 days. I did pretty good at this but at times it would sneak in there and I would bring myself back to the moment I was in. Staying in the moment. Damn, is that hard to do or what sometimes? While on this trip I read ALL THAT IS BITTER AND SWEET by ASHLEY JUDD. This is a MUST read. First book that wasn't a school book that I have read in years and I could NOT stop reading! I can't even beginning to tell you how much I personally connected to this story. There were a lot of similarities in her own story and mine as children. They way that I grew up. Passed on from family member to family member, never knowing where I would be living tomorrow. My mother an emotional and mental wreck and my father an abusive drug addict that to this day I still call him the most evil man I have ever met. I loved my mother. I was angry at her for not protecting me and me having to protect her when I could. It took me until my late 20's early 30's to come to peace with her. One thing I never doubted at anytime in my life was that she loved me and she showed me that as much as she could. Just not in the traditional tuck me in bed, read me a story, come to my ballgames, bake me cookies sense. She did love. My father on the other hand used me as a weapon to always get my mom back with him when she would finally try to get away from him. He was abusive in every sense of the word! Most everyone knew about the physical abuse that my mom and us kid lived thru with him but no one knew the horrors I went thru with him until I was adult. One day my mom flat out asked me if he ever sexually abused me. She said her head was finally getting clear after years of his passing and her getting healthier and she was starting to put things together that she couldn't see then cause she was in her own hell. I hesitated for a minute and than just told her everything. The years I could remember, the way it still controlled me, the night terrors, the PTSD. I also told her about my brother sexually abusing me for years too. I think it was almost too much for her to handle. She said it was good that she didn't know back then because she would of killed him for sure! I struggle in my relationship with my brother today because of our history but the tools I have acquired with 12 step meetings have helped me in those moments. I still have a lot of my past to face to move forward but at least Im working on it. Anyway, I understood in Ashley Judd's book how she felt about not knowing where she fit in, wanting someone to want to raise her in a normal home. Feeling like no one heard her. I felt those things. I also understood about her holding a gun and thinking about ending it because I did the exact same thing. In fact, in 96 I did try to kill myself. I took over 300 pills if it weren't for the guilt I felt about leaving my 3rd grade son waiting for someone to pick him up from school, I would not be here today. I called someone to pick him up after I took the pills and while we were on the phone she noticed something wasn't right. I flat lined twice and spent 11 days in a state mental hospital under suicide watch but I was home by Christmas with my son. He didn't learn of what really didn't know this story until he was much older. I was lucky with my son. He was very forgiving of my mistakes. The years of drug abuse and other issues. He once told me whatever messed up choices you were making mom, you loved and cared for me everyday. I never doubted your love for me. He was right. Even in the worst of my addiction I did my best to put him first. Not that I didn't make big mistakes with him. He was in my disease with me that is why the last drug treatment center I went to when he was 9 was for women and their children. he was sick with me and than he got healthy with me. I took him to meetings with me and he learned about the disease of addiction and boy could he call me on my bull shit after. So, where am I going with this story. Im starting a new chapter in life. Although, Im almost finished with my Communications degree just 9 more classes to go. I have to take a break from school. All my life I have taken care of SOMEONE. Cody, my brother, my niece, her children, friends, always someone. Now that my mom has passed and Cody is moving out...the same question keeps running thru my head... Now what? First thing first, deal with my co-dependency issues!!! Therapy is something I have been putting off going back to for a long time now because I haven't been ready to deal with my truth. But now it is time. This book of Ashley Judds as also inspired me. I have volunteered at a community center in the intercity for kids and I have done volunteer work for a women's abuse shelter but I want to do more of this. All those beliefs that were in her book are right on the money with mine. Women empowerment, education, a chance for everyone to make their lives better. Giving back what has been giving to me. I know this blog is a bit rambling but my head is moving a mile a minute. It's hard to make the right decisions right now because I don't know just yet what they are. I just know it is time to figure that out. So, Ashley Judd has moved to the TOP of my what 5 people would you like to have dinner with! She is not only an amazing actress that seems to pick great scripts for herself but she is the type of person I aspire to be. A woman that believes one person can make a slight change in another's life. I thank her for writing that book and sharing her story! Because it help wake me up and realize that my life is not over because I have no one to 'take care of' anymore. My life is just beginning for me and I have so much to give! This is just a brief part of my story. A lot of things I wrote in this blog about my childhood very few people even know about. But I refuse to feel ashamed for what others did to me. I refuse to be a victim of theirs all my life! Although my fight may never be over because it is progress not perfection. All part of a process that will never end for me. But if you aren't learning you are not living! I choose to live today.

Greif

How does one deal with the loss of someone they love. February 21, 2011 I lost my mother to lung cancer. I was in the middle of my semester at school and decided to stay in school and finish out the semester. My mom lived with me for the last five years. I cared for her. Brought her back to life. Helped her see that she still had things to do and helped her do a lot of those things. I was so lucky to have that time with my mom. Helping her do a lot of the things on her bucket list. We started that list before she became ill with lung cancer. She started painting again and realized that she was talented and that she still loved it. Something she use to do when I was a kid. She went skydiving even though she was so scared of heights she would get dizzy on the balcony. In her 69 years of her life she had never been on a real vacation. Her last year of her life she got to go to the Bahamas twice!! The first time I went with her and my Aunt Donna and we took her to swim with the dolphins. She was like a kid that entire trip and no matter how tired she was or how bad she was feeling it didn't stop her from enjoying the entire trip. The second time she went with Aunt Donna, her boyfriend Owen, her partner in crime and who took her on this trip and my Aunt Joyce. She played so hard she was barely walking when she got home. She also got to go zip lining with a group of family members. Those stairs just about killed her but the joy we all witnessed is something none of us will forget. Mom was also my biggest supporter when it came to filmmaking and photography. Everyone one of her kids were artistic in some way but me until I found those two outlets. She was so proud of me for going to college and finding a passion that her and I could work on together. She was in my first short film and worked on or gave me advice on all my projects. She got to see the film she was in on the big screen and she loved seeing her name up there. She was great in it too!! She took direction well and always worked with me on my visions. I will miss her input on my projects. She encouraged me in so many ways in all those areas. Most of all for anyone that got a chance to know her loved her tell it like it is talks. The woman honestly had no filter what so ever and you couldn't help but love her for it. I am lucky! Lucky to have had such an amazing, strong, encouraging, and loving mother. I may not have had that much in my life as a kid but as an adult we made up for all the time we lost over the years. I love you mom and I know you are with me and Im staying strong because of what you taught me. RIP Nancy C Cooper!!

Christmas Eve 2010

What a year it has been! My house is full. My mom, son and brother are all living with me now. We each have our own lives but we make sure to touch place with each other everyday. We lean on each other for support and love. It was hard letting my brother move in here. We have a tumultuous past. Learning to let go of that has not been easy and something I work on everyday. I will say I am proud of how he has grown since being in KC. He got clean from drugs and turned his life around. That is not an easy feat for sure. We once followed the same path of destruction with drugs and one addict to another he is doing great. My son is becoming a man right before my eyes. At the age of 22 he works hard and tries to make good decision and learn from his mistakes. He now has a girlfriend that seems to be getting serious with. She is sweet. He spends his spare time with a small group of friends doing the things he enjoys. He doesn't drink or do drugs and he stays out of trouble. Well, except for that traffic ticket deal that he didn't take care of lol. He is everything good about me. Im very proud to have him as my son. My mom has had a rough year. Starting off the year with lung cancer and having part of lung removed only to find out a few months later it is now in her other lung. she has decided not to have treatment or more surgeries and I respect that. Even thought that is not easy. She is grabbing life by the balls and enjoying every minute of it. She is working on her bucket list and I am helping her as much as I can with that. We went to the bahamas and she liked it so much she went back again. We did the zip line with a group of some of our family. Im enjoying every minute with my mom and telling her everyday how much I love and enjoy her. Speaking of family my favorite cousin and her son moved away to Austin. I miss them lots. I helped raise her son and not having them here for the holidays is not the same. Hopefully I will see them soon. My life has been a roller coaster. Taking the semester off because of health issues and regrouping to start back to school in Jan. I dont want to give up my dream of being a college graduate. I am so close it would be a shame to quit now. My film focus was good the first part of the years. I worked often on different projects and had the pleasure of working and learning from some amazing people. I have been trying to get my screenplay finished but struggle with the writing. how I received A's in screenwriting class is beyond me cause I am not all that great at it. But Im not giving up. It's a good story and can be a good film and I have great people lined up to work with. Hopefully I will get more offers to work on other projects once people know that Im doing better Im sure something will come up. My so called dating life has really been a bomb. But I learn from those I let into my life even the ones that are crazy. I keep my heart open! Thats the ticket to a good life. Keeping your heart open to family, friends and lovers. Learning from each other them. Growing from them. I am blessed in my life and that I am thankful for. Open your heart to those around you. You wont regret it even if it doesn't work out with some. Find the good things about those experiences and you will be thankful too.

Sunny California

I'm in california right now enjoying the weather and great friends. Went to san fran yesterday and lost my phone but some guy found it and was nice enough to meet us today to get it back yay. can't live without my phone. We have big plans this week for a road trip yay. we are going to go ghost hunting. That should be fun. And we are going to go see some more of california along the way. Im excited.

BEEN AWHILE

So, it's been a long while since I took a moment to write something down. Lots has happened in the last few months that is for sure. I just wanted to stop for a moment and say Im back and Im gonna try to blog more about whats on my mind! :)

so much to do a lil overhelming

Ok Let me start by talking about the death of my sister for a minute. My sister was a major alcoholic and drug addict all her life and at the age of 48 her liver finally completely failed. She knew for years that if she continued on the path of distruction this would happen and it almost seems she stepped it up even more. My mom is doing pretty good with the death of my sister but has come to the realization that addiction is taking her family away. First my father, than my brother, and now my sister. Who's next she says? Probably my niece if she doesn't get it together and keep it there. My niece is doing better right now. She is pregnant and trying sorta to stay sober. I don't see her doing the things I have to do to keep me clean. going to meetings, staying away from people places and things that put me in a bad spot, a weak spot. but I am at the point all I say is it is your life. But if you have this baby and continue to use, I will step in know that! She is a strong woman. I have faith that if she really wants it she can do it. So, me and my mom are going to an ALNON meeting tonight. I think it might help my mom understand her own reactions to the choices most in my family make when it comes to drugs and alcohol. My mom even said that she is giving up weed. We will see about that. I don't condone her using weed but I understand it helps with her pain a great deal. I hope she does give it up completely. Good for her! She has grown so much mentally and emotionally since moving to KC. I love it.
My son got a decent job! YAY for him and for my pocketbook. He can finally afford to pay his own bills. I am so proud of him. As usual. We took him out for dinner to celebrate his new job. He wanted sushi. ew. the rest of us choose to eat cooked food. I have no idea where he got his tastebuds at lol.
School is crazy busy right now. I'm struggling a lil bit in my documentary class because I was given a partner that Im not so sure I want to be associated with the project he wants to do. He didn't fully explain to me about this guy and his website. All he told me was that it was an online mag about music. OK great Im down for that I said. I dont mind doing someone elses idea at all. Then I checked out the site. It is a Christain Mag about punk rock music and more God related stuff. Look I dont have any problem with other people and their choice of faith and what they want to believe. Just not my thing and Im not sure I want my name as anything directly associated with it. Im gonna have to do it, keep my mouth shut and smile but I don't like it at all and I dont want any credit except maybe edited by on it. I just don't want it to be consided made by me at all. Its great what they are doing. Very positive message on the site. Just not MY beliefs is all. I guess I need to learn to be professional about some films I might work on. I just think if you have a choice why associate yourself with something you dont believe. I wouldn't dare do a movie about a Repulican ... unless it was to show how against it I am lol. Principles you know. Where is my boundary with filmmaking? Just learning that.
Im starting a ten page screenplay now. This should be interesting. Keep your fingers crossed on this assignment.
Thats enough blabbing. Thanks for visting blog readers. Have a wonderful week!

Life Happens

In my life I have made some bad choices and good choices just like anyone else. I am not perfect nor do I try to fool anyone including myself that I am. I am a recovering drug addict. I was once one of the worst drug users you can be. My drug of choice with meth and I was an IV user. After years of abusing drugs I CHOOSE and continue to chose not to be an active drug user any longer. I know my disease. I know the choices I make will bring consequences of a not so pleasant kind if I chose to do drugs. Why am I writing about this today? Well, addiction, although not my choice today, is once again enveloped my life. Let me say that drugs have played a huge part in the death of my father and brother in the past. A few months ago I lost a dear dear friend to an OD. Kurt and I used together and we had moments of being clean together. I was very blessed to have him in my life. There was a time that he kept me alive and I will never forget him! Today we are getting ready to drive to the St Louis area. My sister has been in the hospital for a couple of weeks now and the doctors are suggesting that we unplug her monday. As she lie in that hospital with a failed liver from years of alcohol and drug abuse at the age of 48 her daughter (32) struggles with her own demons with alcohol and drugs. Me and my sister were never close because of the person alcohol and drugs made her be. My niece and I have become close in the last two years. I have done everything in my power to help my niece not become her mother but I fear it could be too late. I love them but there is nothing else I can do for either of them any longer. So, if you experience even one time that alcohol or drugs have affected your life know that there are choices you can make. My sister and my niece CHOSE the path of distruction and death. I CHOSE daily to live my life without drugs. It might be too late for my sister but it is not too late for my niece. Now I can only hope that she will also chose to get clean and sober on the daily basis. Life IS worth it! Thank you Cody (my son) for loving me enough to stand up to me and show me I was making the wrong choices!

A Day at the Lake

another tuesday

I just tried to get ahold of my niece. I have been worried about her. She is an alcoholic who has been to prison, ruined marriages, lost her four kids, had health problems you name it she has experienced it with her issues with drugs and alcohol. The father of her children did have the kids but he is also a drug addict and the kids were recently taken away and placed with his parents for the second time. Those kids go thru so much with their parents its really sad. I am happy they are safe though. My niece has the chance of getting her kids back but she can't seem to put down the booze and get it together. As a recovering drug addict myself I understand her struggle but after years and years of using you have to come to a point where you just have had enough. Where is her bottom? I wish she would get there not only for herself but for her kids. They need their mother! I don't enable my niece I just keep encouraging her to get it together and live the kind of life I know she is capable of. Time will tell. I can only hope that she doesn't kill herself getting to her bottom.

I have a list of things to do today. You know the normal clean the house do some shopping take care of the laundry blah blah blah. I also need to finish my homework before tomorrow morning but that wont take me long. I have a habit of waiting to the last minute to get homework done. I work better under pressure.

Cody, my 20 year old son, is struggling with life a lil bit. He is having a hard time finding a job that will pay his bills while he gets his certificate to work on computers. He is right where most of us are at that age. I'm glad I can be there for him thru his struggles of figuring out who he is.

Well, thats all for today blog friends. I must get to my life for the day. Have a wonderful day!!!

The Tower

This was a short narrative independent film I worked on with a couple of guys I met at school. I was a production assistant on this film and I only worked on the main day of their shooting. It was hotter than hell in KC that day!!! Everyone there was funny as hell. They all worked well together. When I volunteer to work on these projects I always learn. I try my best to stay close to the director and the director of photography so I can listen in on what they are doing and see how they are doing it. I can't wait to see the final project. Keep an eye out maybe I will be able to post a sneak peekie at this film sometime soon.

First Blog

I wanted a place I could come to and talk about the things going on in my life today. I wanted a place I could share videos and pictures of the projects I work on. I am a student filmmaker learning new and exciting things everyday and what better way to share with my friends then to have a blog about it all. Sometimes I will just be sharing about film projects but I will also be sharing just the little things going on in my life. Letting my friends get to know me a lil better each time. Hope you all enjoy this experience with me. Stay tune for more blog friends!